Alive Again

Last night, I did quite a bit of thinking. In fact once my wheels got turning, I barely slept and was early to rise again this morning. I felt alive in a way last night that I've not felt in a long time. In fact, I've not felt this way in quite a while.

I used to keep a list of things that I needed to do. Many of them were small single tasks that I needed to complete such as updating an address with a particular firm or completing a piece of paperwork. Others were items that needed to be completed in a chain of events to accomplish some larger goal. This list had always kept me on task and kept me headed towards my ambitions. It was not uncommon for the list to be 100 or more items long in the past. And each day, I would work on it. Some days I might only complete 2 or 3 items on the list. Other days I might complete 10 or 15. And every day new items go on the list. In fact many times completing an item meant that the next step towards the larger goal needed to be added to the list.

So why is this significant? Because for the first time in at least a year, I was able to dream big again. Suddenly my desire to finish school and apply to law school is on the radar screen again. The hopes of starting a business is on the horizon. Finishing my private pilot's license is suddenly something I can see myself doing this year. And today I began searching property listings and ads. This one might be a bit further off, but I am looking to have purchased a house before I start law school.

I also made a commitment to myself to get serious and determined on my diet and health. My chest pains over the holidays really scared me and I realized that had it been something severe I would have been all alone in the hospital. I don't want that. So my ultimate goal is to weigh 165. That's a long ways off. I need to lose almost 120 pounds to get there, but for the first time in a while I have absolutely no doubts that I will make it. And to give me an intermediate goal, I want to go sky diving and need to lose just under 35 pounds to get there. I can't wait until I can go for my first sky dive. No doubt, many more will follow after that.

Work went a lot better today to. I walked in glowing and smiling big and full of energy. Several people around me noticed the difference and made comments. Many of them haven't seen me smiling this way in a long time. And tomorrow night, several of my former reps are taking me out for dinner and drinks. I'm looking forward to this welcomed distraction from all that is going on. This will be the first time that I've gone out for my own benefit in quite a while.

I really felt alive today. Its been a long time since I've felt that way. The only regrets that I had today are that I'm really missing my step-children and my children are struggling with the same.

I am actually looking forward to tomorrow. I can't wait to continue working on the list and see what gets added to it tomorrow. It feels great to be alive again!