Sunday, December 24, 2006

Woke Up Dead

I woke up dead this morning as I knew I would.

My children asked this morning if they would get to see their step-brothers and bring their Christmas gifts. I broke down and cried in front of my sons and was unable to answer. I could tell by my oldest son's expression that he knew he would likely never see or speak to his step-brother's again.

I saw my wife, Tara Scott or Tara Lynn Scott or Tara Ray Scott or Tara Stelly or Tara Lynn Stelly or Tara Ray Stelly or Tara Ray or Tara Lynn Ray in church this morning. She was absolutely stunning as she always is. Once again I wished so much that I could tell her how beautiful she looked. I used to send her text messages all the time that said that. I could send her one now since there is no restraining order, but I won't. I know she won't understand or even appreciate that I am trying to show her the respect that she refuses to show me.

And even now that I am dead, I died more today in church. I tried my best to keep my composure and not break down but I cried several times throughout service. I tried to focus in on worshiping God and forgetting about my wife, but the harder I tried, the more I cried.

And what could she possibly be thinking? Probably that I'm a big wimp. Crying like a baby. She won't understand why I don't just forget about her and move on. And I don't expect she ever will. I don't suspect she will even care. I wonder where I could have been so wrong in the things that I believed about her. I imagine that she probably sits there and chuckles and is glad that she has hurt me so and that she continues to hurt me.

So the biggest injury I sustain today is seeing my beautiful wife there in church and not even being able to tell her Merry Christmas or mail to her a Christmas card. I know that I can, legally anyway. But as I said before, even though she won't appreciate it, I'm choosing to show her the respect that she refuses to show to me.

And I feel like I've hurt my own children the most. Against my better judgment I mixed them with other kids they absolutely came to view as their own brothers. They accepted my wife and her family as their own. She doesn't even ask how they are doing. She appears in church and won't even walk over and say high to the children. She'll ask superficially if one of them approach her. I used to wonder if she thought about the kids or missed them, but instead I'm left wondering if she ever cared about them to begin with. I'm also surprised that her family has not so much as asked how the kids are doing or sent a Christmas card or otherwise. I suppose it was unrealistic for me to believe that my children mattered to anyone.

After church I had to kneel before my kids and hug them and told them I was sorry that I ran off another woman that they loved. I just hugged them tight and cried for a while. I wish they didn't see me this way, but I just can't hold it together.

And so I'm lost for words to describe how I feel. I am beyond dead. The best I can think of is decaying. What was left of me now decomposes and the few signs that ever there was life continue to fade.