Remembering 2006

What an amazing year this has been.

The most important thing that happened to me this year was when I married the woman of my dreams, Tara Lynn Ray or Tara Ray or Tara Lynn Stelly or Tara Ray Stelly or Tara Stelly or Tara Lynn Scott or Tara Ray Scott. I couldn't have been happier and felt like all my dreams had come true.

Later in the year, I left my job at a major wireless carrier and went to work for her brother-in-law. I was really hesitant to go because I was concerned that his business would not be able to support me. After much thought, I decided to go because it meant I would be closer to my family and at home more. I really enjoyed that experience, but it was short lived. A few months later, I was no longer able to continue working for her brother-in-law.

I had been wanting to go back into business for myself as I had previously been self-employed and was successful at it but had been reluctant to because of some personal problems I had. I decided to make a go of it now that I was unemployed and sought my wife's support and opened the new business.

Despite the fact that I absolutely adored Tara and was happier than I had ever been, I did a lot of things wrong in our marriage. I would explain and rationalize everything away and did not realize how much some of my actions were hurting Tara and how they were sending the wrong signals about my commitment to her. At that time, in my mind, most of the problems we were having were her fault. I mean I could explain them objectively to other people and they almost always agreed with me. Little did I realize that I was wrong in almost every one of them and I was rapidly eroding the love that she had for me.

In early November, Tara did the bravest thing that could be imagined. She had the courage to insist that I leave despite the difficulties she would again face as a single mother, an unemployed one at that. I don't blame her one bit for the decisions that she made. I didn't realize that at the time and I was really hurt by her decision and unfortunately, I reacted very poorly and did a lot of harm in the time that followed our separation.

In the process, I've also lost my step-children. I had begun to accept them as if they were my own children. Unfortunately, in Louisiana, step-parents do not have any legal rights to visitations or otherwise so I have to accept Tara's decisions not to allow me to be a part of their life anymore. But its like an empty spot in my life now. It's like suffering the death of a loved one or of several loved ones all at once.

Though its been extremely difficult, I've come to accept Tara's decision that our marriage is over with. I do regret however that we had not parted peacefully. Tara wasn't just my wife and lover, but I viewed her like my friend and confidant. Tara and I are two very different people and that made the marriage difficult. I wish that in separating I had been more reasonable and understanding and had not lost my friend in the process. If I'd of just respected her decision from the start, I probably would be able to pick up the phone and ask her how her day went and be comforted by her voice. I don't know if the harm I've done can ever be repaired enough to make that a possibility some day.

One of the losses I suffered this year is not just Tara, but her family as well. I truly miss all of her family. I still talk very occasionally to my brother in law, but even that has been strained as of late. I do now understand why her family is so mad at me. Every time I've hurt Tara, I've hurt them. But I truly miss the cups of coffee with Tara's grandmother and spending the afternoons sitting on the porch with Tara's parents and family. Though I suppose we were never that close, I miss my other sister in law and her children and her husband. I miss my baby niece who I saw today and is growing so fast and hate that I'll only get a glimpse of her on Sunday's when we cross in church. I miss Tara's parents. I remember how much they seemed to like me when I first got involved with Tara and hate that I've managed to erode their trust and belief in me. I will miss ringing in the new year with her family tonight. I was there for the last two years and really enjoyed it.

My biggest regret for the year however is for what I've done to both her children and to my children. I know that her children loved me very much. No matter how well they are doing, I know they miss me. And I really miss them. It just kills me to not be able to see them or talk to them or even to get pictures of them from Tara. I also regret how much this has impacted my children. They were really close to Tara and to their step brothers. Even a full month (almost two now) later they ask almost daily when they will get to see or talk to or play with their step brothers again.

Until today, I've continually said that I have no regrets and even knowing what I know today, I'd still marry Tara again (of course I'd hope to do some things differently). But, a revelation came to me today. Sometimes when you love someone, the best thing you can do is to let them free. If I had it to do over again today, I think that I would not marry Tara over again. It's not because I don't absolutely love her or want to be with her. It's because I know that I hurt her and if doing with out her means that I could escape hurting her that way, I would choose that. And that is probably one of the toughest things that I could ever have come to realize or say.

I doubt Tara will ever see or read this. And by the rare chance that she would, I know she won't believe it. But I do hope and believe that Tara is or will be free from the pain that I've caused her and I hope that in time she will see, not by my words, but by my true actions and changes that I am trustworthy of her friendship. But that has to be in Tara and in God's timing. I don't have an open window right now to show her the differences in my life and she doesn't have a window to discover them on her own. Only time and God can heal those wounds and open that window. And I trust, in time that he will.

And that doesn't mean that I've given up hope. I don't believe there is anything that I could do to bring Tara and I back together again. I don't believe there is anything I can do to bring our children together again either. But I still hold on to hope that we will be able to part peacefully and that our children do not have to be victims in our feud. I also hope that some day Tara will be comfortable enough to let me call on her once in a while just to see how she is doing and how her children are doing. For now, I'm focused on changing myself so that if I ever get that chance, I won't blow it so badly like I did before.

So 2006 has been a very eventful year for me. It has marked the best thing that has ever happened to me and it has also marked the very worst thing that I have endured in my entire life. And it is in these realizations and in hindsight that I absolutely know that 2007 will be a banner year and holds great things for me.

Well, I'm off to write a few more posts for my other blogs and then I'm headed over to my friends house for New Years dinner with her mom and to ring in the new year. I'll see you next year and will kick off the year by sharing my New Years Goals, Dreams and Prayers.