Thursday, December 28, 2006

Missing The Step-Kids

Monday night really marked a turning point for me and I've had such an incredible week since then. I can't remember any time in my past where I've been more excited about what the future holds than I am right now. I really enjoyed last night and I've been invited to go shoot pool and have drinks with my former reps on Friday. I have also been invited to a no limit texas hold'em poker game on Saturday. I have been wanting to get involved in those games for a long time and have been unable to so I'm excited to finally have the chance.

So this week has been great so far, but I'm a little down today. I need to go put my step children's Christmas gifts from me into storage. I contemplated returning them for refunds but just can't bring myself to do it. I feel like I would be taking away from the children even though I know that I'm unlikely to be able to give the gifts to them anytime soon. I keep having these visions of having to wait until they are 18 and then giving them the gifts and letting them know that I have been waiting 10 years to give the gifts to them and to tell them that I miss them and love them.

I think about my step-children a lot. I wonder how they are enjoying their time out of school. I wonder what gifts they got for Christmas. I wonder if my youngest step child ever learned his ABC's. I wonder if they ever ask about me or my children.

I was remembering earlier in my relationship with Tara when I would be outside and the kids would tackle me and drag me to the ground and jump on me. Sometimes it would be six kids tackling me and dragging me to the ground and climbing on me and jumping on me. They would laugh and laugh and laugh and finally back off and let me get up just so they could do it again. I know a picture exists of the children piled on top of me but I cannot find it in the pictures I have. I would ask Tara or her family to send me a copy of that picture, but I doubt they'd even take my call at this point.

After I place the gifts in storage, I need to put my name on the waiting lists for more apartments. So far every place I've applied for in Lafayette and surrounding areas is telling me that there is a 3 to 6 month waiting list. I don't have a place to stay that long while I'm waiting. I've already had to spend a few nights in hotels. I found a house in Krotz Springs that I can rent and is ready for me to move into right away. I was trying to avoid that because I was afraid that Tara and her family would misinterpret my actions and think I was moving there to annoy her, but if something doesn't open up in Lafayette soon, I may not have a choice.

I'm worried however that this will just make it harder on my kids. How do I explain to them that we are just a few blocks from their step-brothers and their step-mother and their Mawmaw Rose and Pawpaw Danny but that they can't go see them. I am having a hard enough time explaining why they can't even call and talk to their step-brothers after they were told they could. I accept that Tara ss angry at me and I deserve that but I just cannot comprehend how or why people can just turn their backs on children. I'm doing a lot better now and my future looks better than it has in a long time, but getting my children to focus on good things ahead instead of on why they can't talk to or see their step-brothers has eluded me. Job keeps asking when he can mail his letter to Ms. Tara. I'm not sure what to tell him anymore.

So while I have a lot positive to do today and a lot to look forward to, I'm not as euphoric as I had been for the last two days. I guess once I make myself busy with tasks on my list and start pursuing my dreams again it'll keep my mind off of my step children and my day will go okay.