Tuesday, January 9, 2007


I want to apologize to everyone for the amount of emotion that I've shown in the last few replies that I made in an earlier message which has been an area of hot debate. I thought I was doing a lot better in not being reactive, and I certainly restrained myself a lot longer and better than I had previously, but I've also learned that I have more to work on.

I do plan some in depth responses at a later time when I am not so emotional about it. I do want to offer some responses in brief to some key points here. Some of this is harsh, but if I continue to hold in, I am likely to self destruct and that will cause more harm than expressing myself here. This is likely to be long because there were so many topics broached in that discussion:

  1. Anonymous suggested that it was not fair for me to expect Tara to make a promise to stand by me while I was sick.

    Response: This is a rediculously selfish assertion. Marriage is supposed to be through sickness and in health. Tara already made that promise BEFORE our problems began.

    Additionally, I stood by Tara as she grieved the birthday and death date of a child she lost a few years earlier. It was very difficult for me to watch Tara hurt so much, but I NEVER would have thought of leaving her for the "exhaustion" I was feeling at that point. I stood by Tara as her ex-husband threatened her and left her in tears regularly. That was more of a strain on me than I could ever express. I stood by Tara when her ex-husband, Chad William Stelly (Sr) was arrested for soliciting sex from a minor online and she was so angry and mad at him. I stood by Tara when her ex-husband became ill and regularly took her to the emergency room where I sat in a waiting room for hours with her, day after day while she worried that he would not be there for her children in the future. I walked into a waiting room once to see her cradling his head to my chest and despite how much it hurt to see her giving him affection that she would deny to me, I stood by her side. The thought of leaving her because of the stress and exhuastion I was feeling over these things NEVER entered my mind.

  2. Anonymous asserts that depression tends to hurt the ones that you love most.

    Response: No doubt the ones closest to us will see our depression most and be affected by it but EVERY article I have found so far has stressed how important it is for those people to be supportive, exactly the opposite of what Anonymous asserts here. This is the time when I needed her most.

  3. Anonymous asserts that Tara had become overwhelmed by my depression.

    Response: No doubt this is true and I'm sure at that time Tara did not know how to respond. We cannot undo what has been done. I forgive her for that though just the same as I have asked her to forgive me for what I have put her through. However, today is here and now. I am not asking Tara to carry my burdens. I think the reason I am so outspoken about everything and so open is because I was so abruptly cut off. I have been given no window in and so all I can do is look out of a window, and this is my window.

  4. Anonymous asks who was left for Tara to lean on.

    Response: I think if Tara had just tried leaning on me she would have found my problems set aside to deal with hers. Even in the midst of my depression, I stayed so worried about her well being. Much of my time feeling helpless and hopeless is because I saw how she was struggling and felt like I was the cause and she wouldn't let me close enough to her to understand it. We were also seeing a counselor. There were all sorts of avenues for her to turn to other than her ex-husband where she ultimately turned.

  5. Anonymous suggested that perhaps Tara is unable to communicate with me because she is drained.

    Response: That may have been true at the start, but I think time has helped. I think the stresses of the hostilities and resentment, etc. do far more harm than looking for peace. I think that affects the kids to whether she will admit it or not. If my current actions are bothering her, she has not let me know that and I cannot show her how much I care and how much it matters to me that she not be stressed and exhausted as long as she chooses to shut me out. But I won't be manipulated or pushed around either. She's trying the path of force right now and I think she'll find that's far more exhausting than the path of peace. She has a right to choose that though and I have to be drug along for the ride.

  6. Anonymous suggests that Tara needs to free herself from guilt.

    Response: I would assert that Tara hasn't allowed herself to feel guilt and she should. Not dwell in it or let her rule it. But there is no excuse for turning her back on her husband while he was sick. There's no excuse for dumping her step-children. Guilt properly experienced is simply our concious. Without it, we can kill and steal and be cold heartless people. We expect someone who has committed a crime to be remorseful and feel guilt about what they have done. I feel guilt daily about how I've hurt Tara. It's time for Tara to stop denying her guilt and face it and then do something about it. Guilt should not be a lasting thing. We should be forgiven and free from it. But denying it will not make it go away. It only hardens us and makes us more likely to do worse and worse things.

  7. Anonymous suggests that she offers this advice to free me.

    Response: If you are suggesting that I should forget about children I love as my own, I'm sorry but you are barking up the wrong tree. That is the largest source of pain right now. And there is NOTHING that excuses Tara dumping her step-children. But Tara's motives can't be seen to protect her kids. When Tara's ex-husband and his fiance broke up, Tara offered her access to the kids. Her denying me access to the kids is nothing short of hate and anger and hostility that she harbors towards me. There are a lot of things I could talk about in detail here to try to hurt her or tear her down that I try to stay away from. If my words here hurt her, its perhaps because the truth hurts sometimes and not because I'm out to hurt her.

  8. Ava suggests that if I care about the kids as much as I do I would not post the things I am posting.

    Response: I am taking that under consideration because I am reasonable. So far, I checked the FBI recommendations on children and online as well as several articles and find no such suggestions or warnings. I have found a few others that are recommending against. The advice is conflicting and I'm looking at it right now. I will update you if my position changes.

    But this goes to show that I'm not so unreasonable. Tara asked for me to remove details of her ex-husbands arrest as a child predator from the web and I did. Joni asked for me to remove information about her from the web and I did. To date, Tara hasn't asked any more from me. I can't assume what her wishes are. In fact, I don't believe that she's even reading this blog. I told her from the beginning when she was threatening me and demanding things that she would be amazed how reasonable I would be if she would treat me with a basic level of dignity and respect. She asked me to return some stuff and I did.

  9. Karen suggests that cancer or diabetes is different then depression

    Response: Of course it is. According to the information I've been reading, depression has a very high success rate in treatment which cannot be said for the above. According to the things I've been reading, depression is an illness, not a choice. But one thing is certain, dumping a marriage because of the stress caused by dealing with a spouse in sickness is the same no matter what the sickness is.

  10. Karen suggests that Tara was doing me a big favor.

    Response: You only need to read this blog to understand my pain.

  11. Karen suggests that Tara is not a horrible step-mom for talking to the kids at church

    Response: I never said that Tara hated them. I said that Tara dumped them and doesn't care about them and this changed my view of her as a person. Tara went 6 weeks without asking how they were doing. When we did get to church, Tara did not take the time to say hi to them. Instead she sat and my kids had to ask me if it was okay to go tell her hi. Tara was cordial to them. And I express my appreciation to her for that in a letter and also here on this blog. Tara has not once since then asked me how they are doing (I asked her almost daily her how her children were doing and when I stopped contacting her, I've been posting here how frequently I wonder how they are doing and miss them).

    But Tara also offered my kids the opportunity to talk to hers and to play star wars with them. Tara has since refused to allow that to happen. My children called and left a message and Tara has refused to return that call.

  12. Karen suggested that Tara should be cautious about reconciling.

    Response: I absolutely agree. In fact I don't recommend Tara to reconcile at this time. If she called me and asked to reconcile, I hope that I'd have the strength to tell her that maybe sometime in the future but not today, not without extensive counseling and time to get to know each other again and until I'm sure I'm over my depression and until I'm sure she has a real commitment and isn't marrying me just to pay her bills.

    I do however want to start EARNING her friendship. I don't expect her to give it freely. I don't expect her to wake up tomorrow and want to go to lunch with me. I do think it is reasonable for me to simply be able to call and ask if she found a job or how her kids are doing or if she needs anything.

  13. Anonymous suggests that silence speaks volumes.

    Response: I have to agree. Tara dumped her step-children and is completely silent about it. I think that speaks volumes about her. But I still have hopes that its just a mistake she is making and that Tara can redeem herself and show she isn't the person that her silence speaks about her.

  14. Anonymous suggests that children mimick their parents.

    Response: You are absolutely right. They will learn to take the easy way out. They will learn to give up. They will learn to shut out the people who care for them. They will learn to not value their family and friends. They will learn to not trust others for fear of the rejection they are no doubt feeling right now. They will learn that marriage commitments mean nothing. They will learn to turn their backs on those who are sick, especially if its a spouse and will cause them any hardships. They will learn that marriages can be thrown out like bathwater. They will learn that harboring hostility and anger should win out reason, intellect and peace. I could probably write 3 more pages about what they will learn by the only example they have now. And I don't say that to be mean, its just the cold hard truth.

I apologize to anyone if this post seems too strong, but its time for me to move on from that discussion. I have said my piece about it. You may attack me as you want in the comments.

I do however ask this. Please realize that I am not here to attack Tara. This blog was to focus on my emotions and the physical events surrounding my divorce. I still think Tara is a better person than she is showing herself to be. I still think there is hope for her. I would love nothing more than to be able to come here and tell you how great she is and how her actions prove that.

But today, her actions and silences speak far louder than words ever could.

I told Tara before I got married that I believe people can and do change. I hold out hope (and prayer) that Tara will. Not that she will change into what I want her to be. But that she will realize how much she is hurting my children and me and will seek a course and journey that finds some middle ground and establishes peace for all involved. I never asked her to take me back and I don't intend to at this point.

And Tara, if by any chance you are reading this, my request is simple. I don't ask you to forget what I've done. I don't ask you to pretend I didn't do it. I don't ask you to commit to anything to me at this point. I just ask you to give me a chance to show you that I'm sincere. Let's take it one day at a time. And the first step is to stop fighting and start working towards peace. The only step I can take is prayer for your healing (and mine) and for peace. Because you have been so outspoken that you don't want to talk to me, I choose to respect that and I will wait until you are ready to contact me. Understand that what I say here is part of my healing and not meant to hurt you or do any harm. When I have somewhere else to say it, I'll go there. Until then, this is the outlet I have.