Thursday, January 11, 2007

The Questions Of A Child

Today, my oldest son Scott approached me and asked me if he would ever get to talk to his older step brother again. It was very hard for me, but I decided to answer him today. I cannot continue avoiding the question or defending Tara in this matter.

I explained to him that sometimes adults make promises and say things that they don't intend to keep. I told him that sometimes adults get mad at each other and when they allow such anger and bitterness to build up in their hearts and stay there, they take it out on other people and hurt other people that had nothing to do with it.

I told him that even though Tara told us that he could call and talk to his step brothers and even though Tara told us that they could play games together over the computer, that she had no intention of keeping her word to anyone. I told him that Tara was very angry at Dad. I told him that Dad had backed off and stopped writing to Tara and stopped contacting her and was hoping that time would allow her to forgive Dad, but that even after time passed, Tara chooses to harbor anger in her heart towards Dad and that she was taking it out on her own children and on him and his brothers. I told him that it wasn't his fault but that I did not believe Tara would ever allow him to talk to his step-brothers again.

His answer to me was "I thought so." Then he went sit in the corner and didn't say a word for about 30 minutes. I tried to get him to talk to me some more but he wouldn't. This looked all to familiar because Tara's oldest son, Chad used to withdraw in the same way. It broke my heart to see him hurting so much.

I told him to never forget his brother and to pray to God that maybe one day he would get to see him again.

I find myself tonight wishing that I had never met Tara. I could never have imagined how mean and hateful she would eventually become. Despite the pain that I carry in me of this divorce, I had carried and clung to a lot of memories of great times we had together. Tonight I realize that any good memories I had were illusions that I built because I was lonely and wanted to be loved. I pray that God will wipe those memories from my mind because I don't want to keep being reminded how wrong I was about Tara.

11 comments:

Some Guy said...

Patience,

I've reluctantly come to accept that the marriage is over. Being my third divorce, I think the children are remarkably well adapted to accepting the family changes a divorce brings.

What hurts so much is knowing that the pain and grieving my son is going through right now is unnecessary.

Tara's actions are deliberately targeted at me at the expense of my children. Tara knows this and she knows how much she is hurting my children.

When Tara's ex husband and his fiance were separated, Tara allowed the fiance (not step-mother or otherwise) to still call and talk to her children. This serves to show how hateful and mean Tara's actions are at this point.

I hurt because my children hurt. I hurt becuase I love my step-children and I miss them. But I hurt most because I know what my children are going through right now is so unnecessary.

Jade said...

Some Guy,
I still can't help but feel that you make yourself feel better by cutting tara down. Have you ever thought maybe it is your fault tara went back on her word. Come on you are not being civilized. No matter how you justify this blog you are still being hateful and mean. In previous post and comments you say that tara doesn't even know about the blog does this still make it right to say all the harsh things you say about her. She doesn't even have a chance to defend herself. This is all your side of the story. I am a step child. My parent and step parent went through a divorce when i was younger and i still have a relationship with my step parent and step siblings. But of course my step parent did not go around cutting my parent down and vis versa. Yes it was a nasty seperation, but they took time apart calmed down and worked things out. They were both very upset and hurt but din't go around cutting each other down to everyone. I take offense in your blog because i have been through something similar and can't help but think there is more to the story than what you are saying. As commented on the previous post, your friend said tara was a good person. I just don't think someone can go from being a good person to a total witch without having a good reason to do so.

Julie said...

i am sorry you and children are having to go through such a difficult time. I wish ya'll the best.

jade said...

I sent a comment earlier and have yet to get a response or to see my comment posted. as i suspected your blog is onesided and probably untruthful. When i first started commenting it was posted immediately. now people are stepping on your toes and making your readers ask questions so now you edit your comments. The sad part about it is your readers will continue to feel sorry for you and look down on tara without knowing the whole truth. As i said earlier you must get your kicks by putting tara down. Put who am i to judge if just posting the pitty comments make you happy then more power to you.

Some Guy said...

Thanks for the kind words Julie and Keri.

I have not given up hope that Tara will prove my friend right and prove herself to be a good person. I was hoping that time would heal the wounds and that once things calmed down the situation would change.

I'm still here waiting but I have to admit that hope is fading. I would love nothing more than to be able to come here and tell everyone how the situation has improved.

jade said...

i don't know what you are talking about. if i was trying to hide my identity i would have posted under anonymous. my opions may be off but my opinions were based on what you and your readers have written.

Anonymous said...

Hey. I'm divorced too. Cheer up and stop worrying so much. If she doesn't love ya, too bad. You can never get inside people's heads and trusting people is hard.

If you're divorced 3 times, perhaps you should try being single for a change? :)

Anthony said...

You know, your comments got me thinking.

I wasn't dating or looking to date when Tara came into my life. She just happened to me. She approached me and initiated everything. I moved extremely slow and cautiously and in fact she dumped me at one point because I wasn't moving fast enough for her.

I told her how bad I had been hurt and how bad my children had been hurt and that I didn't want a repeat. She told me over and over again how committed she was and how she would not just turn her back on me if we had problems.

I feel so cheated. It was all lies. She is a great con. We didn't even make 10 months and she turned her back on me when I was sick and needed her the most.

I am so mad at myself that I can even have feelings for someone so heartless and hateful. No matter how mad she is at me, there is no excuse for hurting children. She clearly knows what she is doing and she does it anyway. I think she does it because she knows it hurts me.

I wish I could just turn my feelings off and erase her from my memory. I try so hard.

Anonymous said...

This comment was submitted by a regular reader on January 12 at 7:04 AM. I am posting it anonymously

to ensure this user and their blog is free from harassment. Thanks, Anthony


This is probably a tremendously huge step for your son, maybe for you too. You're both having to acknowledge and accept the end of a marriage and the end of a family. Unfortunately, this acknowledgement and acceptance is very painful, but necessary if healing is to begin. He'll have to deal with it in his own way and hopefully be able to move past the hurt and anger, just as you are trying to do. Hopefully, he'll be able to do that without getting bitter. And doing that will require forgiveness. On your part as well as his!

At some point, these children may find each other on their own and maybe they will be able to reclaim their friendship despite what the mother wants. But even then they will have to accept that their relationship is forever changed.

May you and your family find peace.

Anonymous said...

This comment was submitted by a regular reader on January 12 at 11:46 AM. I am posting it anonymously

to ensure this user and their blog is free from harassment. Thanks, Anthony


Telling the truth was probably the best thing to do so that he was disappointed when Tara took back her word.

Anonymous said...

This comment was submitted by a regular reader on January 13 at 9:18 AM. I am posting it anonymously

to ensure this user and their blog is free from harassment. Thanks, Anthony


This must be a very painful situation for you and your son I wish you all the best and hope your son at least gets to see his brothers again.

I hate it when I hear of people using children to cause pain to there ex partners not seeming to care what it does to the children. I too lost 2 cousins through a divorce, I was an only child so they were like distant brothers to me in a way and miss them terribly to this day even at 25. I feel angry because we were only children when all this happened and I don't think we should have had to suffer this way.

Bright Blessings.