Wednesday, January 10, 2007

A Little Hint of Sunshine

It looks like my emotions are slowly swinging back to the better end.

I got on the scale yesterday and was very surprised at the results. I am now 19 pounds away from sky diving. The pounds are literally falling off of me. It's actually looking like I will meet the weight target sooner than I anticipated and so I will end up having to wait for the weather to warm up before I can actually go sky diving.

I met with my attorney yesterday and talked with another attorney I use sometimes and got what I believe is really good news. I don't want to discuss it here because I don't want to chance Tara finding out and reacting to it because she is likely to misinterpret my intentions again.

I would have described my day as going great except to say that when I went to the pharmacy later in the day and saw all of the valentines stuff out, I broke down in the middle of the store. No matter how hard I try and how much I get mad at her for what she has done to me and my children, I simply cannot turn off my feelings for her. I have no doubt that she has simply turned off her feelings for me, if she ever had any, but I don't find it so easy for me to do that.

And that comes in part from her anger and hostilities towards me because she chooses to misinterpret much of what I do. I think it is beyond her comprehension at current to realize that I do actually care and that I can be reasonable. I think she doesn't believe that it does really matter to me if things I am doing bother her but that she's too bitter and angry to express her concerns to me or give me a chance to show that I'm sincere.

So I continue to pray and I hope and believe that tomorrow will bring an even better day. My friends are taking me out to shoot pool Friday night. I've told them that I would enjoy going but will refrain from drinking. My birthday is this weekend. It will be a very sad day for me because my wife won't be there to share it with me. I would have hoped that my wife would have reached the point where she could have sent me a text message or an e-mail or a card that just said Happy Birthday, but I would suggest that there is practically 0% chance of that happening.

Tara didn't even have the decency to send my children a Christmas card or let her children call them and say Merry Christmas, so why would I even think there's a chance she would mention my birthday to me. I really have a hard time understand why she has insisted on dragging our children through the hostilities that she has towards me. But as someone mentioned and I've realized, I could go insane trying to figure her out, so I'm trying to not think about those things. It just hurts me to see what my kids are going through and I really miss my step-kids.

At least for my birthday, my dear friend at work was talking about doing something to make it a special day for me. It's good that I have some friends around me. I don't think I could make it though this if I didn't. I just wish I had a friend that I could talk with the way that I used to talk with my wife. I'm sure it'll come in time.

4 comments:

Karie said...

she did not even send them a christmas card? that is so sad. i am sorry to hear what you are going through.

jade said...

Some guy
You know a few days ago your friend sent you a post and you posted it. In this post your friend also knew your wife. From the friends perspective your wife is not this horrible person you are making her out to be. Your friend also asked for people not to post harsh comments about either of you. How can people respect this when you don't even respect this. In your post you are constantly cutting your wife down and making her out to be a horrible human being. From reading your blog I think the way you cope and make yourself feel better is by cutting your wife down. Don't get me wrong you must be going through a hard time, but two wrongs don't make a right.

Some Guy said...

Jade,

I think you have misunderstood my intentions here much the same way that Tara does.

My purpose here is not to cut Tara down. I speak of many things about my faults here as well and things that would naturally make people think less of me.

I am describing truthfully and accurately things that are happening. If anyone thinks less of Tara because of her actions, its not because I'm posting them, its because of the actions themselves.

If someone does bad things, people will think they are bad because of the things they do. You can't blame the person that said what they did because people think they are bad.

I believed Tara was a lot better than her actions currently suggest of her. I have been holding out hope that she'll realize some of her actions are wrong and change them. That hope is quickly fading.

I would love nothing more than to be able to come here and write a post about how reasonable Tara is being and how we have achieved peace in our divorce, but that has to happen before I can write about it.

Anonymous said...

anthony - i think sometimes you are too harsh on your ex - i do feel your pain though

jade - i do agree with some guy that its not his fault if people think bad about her for what she does - him pointing it out isn't why they look down on her