Depressed Spouse: Introduction (Part 1)

Depressed Spouse Series

Introduction (Part 1)

In an earlier post, I mentioned that I had become severely depressed just before our wedding. I'm not referring to a depression where I was merely sad but near the end of it, i was literally crippled, often sitting in a chair staring at a wall or blank computer screen and frequently withdrawing to the bedroom and laying down when I would become sad.

I did not wait for my marriage to fall apart to reach out for help. This alone demonstrates that my illness and my desire to get help was not manufactured to blame Tara for the breakup. In fact I was asking for help BEFORE Tara and I were having serious marital problems. I had asked my doctor on several occasions to refer me to someone for my depression (and Tara was well aware of this because I was telling her about it). Unfortunately, we were not able to find anyone in the network.

During the final weeks of my marriage, Tara decided she was going to leave me. Trying to dull the pain and wanting to rest, I took 2 sleeping pills. Approximately an hour later, I had a reaction where my blood pressure sky rocketed and was dangerously high. This is something that happens to me a couple times per year typically and usually lands me in the emergency room. Tara mistook my disorientation for an overdose on sleeping pills and a suicide attempt and called an ambulance. When the ambulance arrived, the top number for my blood pressure was well over 200 and I don't remember what the bottom number was.

Because I was so out of it at the hospital and unable to explain what was going on, they took Tara's explanation that I overdosed on sleeping pills and held me because they believed I might be suicidal. Later as my episode wore off, I told Tara again that I wanted to get help for my depression and asked her not to end the marriage and asked her to stand by me while I sought help for my severe depression. Tara made a commitment that day to stand by me and allow me to seek help and to give our marriage a chance while I worked through my depression.

Tara stayed by my side for much of the hospital stay. She would hold my hand and fall asleep sitting there next to me and I looked at her and cried and ran my fingers through her hair for hours at a time. Before she left the first night, Tara cried because she had to leave and pointed out that it was the first time since we had been married that we wouldn't be together overnight. At that point, I had finally once again felt loved and in fact more loved than I had ever felt before. It gave me hope.

When I was evaluated by the psychiatrist, he did not believe I was suicidal but did diagnose me as Moderate Depression. He released me from the hospital. Tara maintains to this day that it was a suicide attempt but the medical evidence simply does not support that claim. The symptoms of overdose of Ambien include sedation and suppressed cardiac function. My heart was racing at very dangerous levels (high, not low). They did drug and alcohol screens and tested me for other chemicals in my body and everything came up negative. In fact, the hospital did not treat me whatsoever when I arrived, they merely held me there.

When I left the hospital, I was referred to the John Tyler Moore Mental Health Center for follow up treatment for my depression. I called and setup an appointment for the soonest they could see me. Unfortunately, while I was waiting for my appointment, my depression continued. Just over a week later, Tara said that nothing had changed and demanded that I leave (even though I had made the appointment and was waiting for it to happen).

In a line of comments to an earlier post, there were some suggestions made that it was unreasonable of me to ask Tara to stand by me while I battle depression. It was suggested that depression is a selfish sickness. It was suggested that it was unreasonable for me to want to lean on Tara for support during my sickness.

I understand that my depression was probably very difficult on Tara. If it were negatively affecting her, I really wish that she had told me. I was so worried about Tara being unhappy and trying to be a good husband that I would have pressed for a faster solution to my problems or tried to get her some sort of support or help or something. Knowing it was bothering her would have been a huge motivator to me when little else did. But I simply did not know. Tara had stopped talking to me pretty much two months earlier. She talked with her ex husband on the phone daily for half an hour or more at a time but I couldn't even get her to sit on the sofa with me and watch a movie. I think this change in her attitude towards me and knowing that my marriage was falling apart was really pushing my depression to the severity that it had reached.

And if this were truly the reason Tara wanted me to leave, there were other possible solutions rather than ending the marriage. She could have insisted that I get inpatient treatment (though the psychiatrist didn't feel that was necessary). She could have told me that she couldn't handle the stress and that she needed a break from it but that she would give me a chance to get help and we would work on our marriage once my depression were treated.

At first I rejected the explanations made by those comments. My friend said she knew Tara and she knew Tara could never do something so selfish and self-centered as to dump her husband because he was suffering from depression. I have since discovered the identities behind some of the anonymous and named commenters here in that and a few other threads. I was shocked by what I discovered. Given who wrote those posts, I now believe that they do accurately represent Tara's reasons for dumping me. This is also consistent with comments that Tara made in those final weeks and as she was dumping me.

And so I started reading some articles and sites on depression to discover the following:

1. Is depression actually an illness or sickness and is it selfish?
   
   
2. Was it unreasonable for me to ask Tara to commit to giving me a chance to seek help for my depression?
   
   
3. Was it unreasonable for me to lean on Tara while I was depressed?
   
   
4. Can depression be treated and how successful and how difficult is that treatment?
   

In the next post in this series, we'll discuss depression itself, its symptoms and treatments that are available for it.

Depressed Spouse: About Depression (Part 2)

I Am A Fool

Despite all Tara has done to me and how much she has hurt me, there are days where I wish I could see her smile or hear her voice or just know that she even remembers who I am or what day it is today. My wish today will go unfilled and so it'll be just another empty day for me. Everyone else wants to make a big fuss today, but I can't be happy and wish they would just forget. It's all just a reminder that the one person I wished would remember won't even be kind enough to send me a card or a text message or an e-mail and just say Happy Birthday.

The Questions Of A Child

Today, my oldest son Scott approached me and asked me if he would ever get to talk to his older step brother again. It was very hard for me, but I decided to answer him today. I cannot continue avoiding the question or defending Tara in this matter.

I explained to him that sometimes adults make promises and say things that they don't intend to keep. I told him that sometimes adults get mad at each other and when they allow such anger and bitterness to build up in their hearts and stay there, they take it out on other people and hurt other people that had nothing to do with it.

I told him that even though Tara told us that he could call and talk to his step brothers and even though Tara told us that they could play games together over the computer, that she had no intention of keeping her word to anyone. I told him that Tara was very angry at Dad. I told him that Dad had backed off and stopped writing to Tara and stopped contacting her and was hoping that time would allow her to forgive Dad, but that even after time passed, Tara chooses to harbor anger in her heart towards Dad and that she was taking it out on her own children and on him and his brothers. I told him that it wasn't his fault but that I did not believe Tara would ever allow him to talk to his step-brothers again.

His answer to me was "I thought so." Then he went sit in the corner and didn't say a word for about 30 minutes. I tried to get him to talk to me some more but he wouldn't. This looked all to familiar because Tara's oldest son, Chad used to withdraw in the same way. It broke my heart to see him hurting so much.

I told him to never forget his brother and to pray to God that maybe one day he would get to see him again.

I find myself tonight wishing that I had never met Tara. I could never have imagined how mean and hateful she would eventually become. Despite the pain that I carry in me of this divorce, I had carried and clung to a lot of memories of great times we had together. Tonight I realize that any good memories I had were illusions that I built because I was lonely and wanted to be loved. I pray that God will wipe those memories from my mind because I don't want to keep being reminded how wrong I was about Tara.

A Little Hint of Sunshine

It looks like my emotions are slowly swinging back to the better end.

I got on the scale yesterday and was very surprised at the results. I am now 19 pounds away from sky diving. The pounds are literally falling off of me. It's actually looking like I will meet the weight target sooner than I anticipated and so I will end up having to wait for the weather to warm up before I can actually go sky diving.

I met with my attorney yesterday and talked with another attorney I use sometimes and got what I believe is really good news. I don't want to discuss it here because I don't want to chance Tara finding out and reacting to it because she is likely to misinterpret my intentions again.

I would have described my day as going great except to say that when I went to the pharmacy later in the day and saw all of the valentines stuff out, I broke down in the middle of the store. No matter how hard I try and how much I get mad at her for what she has done to me and my children, I simply cannot turn off my feelings for her. I have no doubt that she has simply turned off her feelings for me, if she ever had any, but I don't find it so easy for me to do that.

And that comes in part from her anger and hostilities towards me because she chooses to misinterpret much of what I do. I think it is beyond her comprehension at current to realize that I do actually care and that I can be reasonable. I think she doesn't believe that it does really matter to me if things I am doing bother her but that she's too bitter and angry to express her concerns to me or give me a chance to show that I'm sincere.

So I continue to pray and I hope and believe that tomorrow will bring an even better day. My friends are taking me out to shoot pool Friday night. I've told them that I would enjoy going but will refrain from drinking. My birthday is this weekend. It will be a very sad day for me because my wife won't be there to share it with me. I would have hoped that my wife would have reached the point where she could have sent me a text message or an e-mail or a card that just said Happy Birthday, but I would suggest that there is practically 0% chance of that happening.

Tara didn't even have the decency to send my children a Christmas card or let her children call them and say Merry Christmas, so why would I even think there's a chance she would mention my birthday to me. I really have a hard time understand why she has insisted on dragging our children through the hostilities that she has towards me. But as someone mentioned and I've realized, I could go insane trying to figure her out, so I'm trying to not think about those things. It just hurts me to see what my kids are going through and I really miss my step-kids.

At least for my birthday, my dear friend at work was talking about doing something to make it a special day for me. It's good that I have some friends around me. I don't think I could make it though this if I didn't. I just wish I had a friend that I could talk with the way that I used to talk with my wife. I'm sure it'll come in time.

Emotional Roller Coaster

As anyone following the comments can tell, today was a very difficult day for me. As I described early in my blog, my emotions have had a tendency to vascillate. They go back and forth. For the last week or two, I was on top of the world, even celebrating being served divorce papers. For the last couple of days, I'm missing my step children and wishing I could find peace with my wife and feeling absolutely hopeless.

There have been a lot of critical comments as of late and I really appreciate that. It has given me a lot to reflect on and think about. The only problem is I find myself literally going insane trying to figure out if anyone has correctly guessed my wife's feelings or whether they are simply off the mark. I really wish I knew because if I was hurting my wife, that would matter to me. Of course I would expect it to matter to her that she is hurting me and my children as well. But I won't and can't know that and its time I stop trying to guess it.

I'm going to spend some time working on my other blogs. I'm not sure when my next post will come (could be hours or days or as long as is needed). Again, thank you to everyone who has posted comments and e-mailed me encouragement and even to those who have been critical. I really appreciate your concern with my situation.

Apologies

I want to apologize to everyone for the amount of emotion that I've shown in the last few replies that I made in an earlier message which has been an area of hot debate. I thought I was doing a lot better in not being reactive, and I certainly restrained myself a lot longer and better than I had previously, but I've also learned that I have more to work on.

I do plan some in depth responses at a later time when I am not so emotional about it. I do want to offer some responses in brief to some key points here. Some of this is harsh, but if I continue to hold in, I am likely to self destruct and that will cause more harm than expressing myself here. This is likely to be long because there were so many topics broached in that discussion:

1. Anonymous suggested that it was not fair for me to expect Tara to make a promise to stand by me while I was sick.
   
   Response: This is a rediculously selfish assertion. Marriage is supposed to be through sickness and in health. Tara already made that promise BEFORE our problems began.
   
   Additionally, I stood by Tara as she grieved the birthday and death date of a child she lost a few years earlier. It was very difficult for me to watch Tara hurt so much, but I NEVER would have thought of leaving her for the "exhaustion" I was feeling at that point. I stood by Tara as her ex-husband threatened her and left her in tears regularly. That was more of a strain on me than I could ever express. I stood by Tara when her ex-husband, Chad William Stelly (Sr) was arrested for soliciting sex from a minor online and she was so angry and mad at him. I stood by Tara when her ex-husband became ill and regularly took her to the emergency room where I sat in a waiting room for hours with her, day after day while she worried that he would not be there for her children in the future. I walked into a waiting room once to see her cradling his head to my chest and despite how much it hurt to see her giving him affection that she would deny to me, I stood by her side. The thought of leaving her because of the stress and exhuastion I was feeling over these things NEVER entered my mind.
   
   
2. Anonymous asserts that depression tends to hurt the ones that you love most.
   
   Response: No doubt the ones closest to us will see our depression most and be affected by it but EVERY article I have found so far has stressed how important it is for those people to be supportive, exactly the opposite of what Anonymous asserts here. This is the time when I needed her most.
   
   
3. Anonymous asserts that Tara had become overwhelmed by my depression.
   
   Response: No doubt this is true and I'm sure at that time Tara did not know how to respond. We cannot undo what has been done. I forgive her for that though just the same as I have asked her to forgive me for what I have put her through. However, today is here and now. I am not asking Tara to carry my burdens. I think the reason I am so outspoken about everything and so open is because I was so abruptly cut off. I have been given no window in and so all I can do is look out of a window, and this is my window.
   
   
4. Anonymous asks who was left for Tara to lean on.
   
   Response: I think if Tara had just tried leaning on me she would have found my problems set aside to deal with hers. Even in the midst of my depression, I stayed so worried about her well being. Much of my time feeling helpless and hopeless is because I saw how she was struggling and felt like I was the cause and she wouldn't let me close enough to her to understand it. We were also seeing a counselor. There were all sorts of avenues for her to turn to other than her ex-husband where she ultimately turned.
   
   
5. Anonymous suggested that perhaps Tara is unable to communicate with me because she is drained.
   
   Response: That may have been true at the start, but I think time has helped. I think the stresses of the hostilities and resentment, etc. do far more harm than looking for peace. I think that affects the kids to whether she will admit it or not. If my current actions are bothering her, she has not let me know that and I cannot show her how much I care and how much it matters to me that she not be stressed and exhausted as long as she chooses to shut me out. But I won't be manipulated or pushed around either. She's trying the path of force right now and I think she'll find that's far more exhausting than the path of peace. She has a right to choose that though and I have to be drug along for the ride.
   
   
6. Anonymous suggests that Tara needs to free herself from guilt.
   
   Response: I would assert that Tara hasn't allowed herself to feel guilt and she should. Not dwell in it or let her rule it. But there is no excuse for turning her back on her husband while he was sick. There's no excuse for dumping her step-children. Guilt properly experienced is simply our concious. Without it, we can kill and steal and be cold heartless people. We expect someone who has committed a crime to be remorseful and feel guilt about what they have done. I feel guilt daily about how I've hurt Tara. It's time for Tara to stop denying her guilt and face it and then do something about it. Guilt should not be a lasting thing. We should be forgiven and free from it. But denying it will not make it go away. It only hardens us and makes us more likely to do worse and worse things.
   
   
7. Anonymous suggests that she offers this advice to free me.
   
   Response: If you are suggesting that I should forget about children I love as my own, I'm sorry but you are barking up the wrong tree. That is the largest source of pain right now. And there is NOTHING that excuses Tara dumping her step-children. But Tara's motives can't be seen to protect her kids. When Tara's ex-husband and his fiance broke up, Tara offered her access to the kids. Her denying me access to the kids is nothing short of hate and anger and hostility that she harbors towards me. There are a lot of things I could talk about in detail here to try to hurt her or tear her down that I try to stay away from. If my words here hurt her, its perhaps because the truth hurts sometimes and not because I'm out to hurt her.
   
   
8. Ava suggests that if I care about the kids as much as I do I would not post the things I am posting.
   
   Response: I am taking that under consideration because I am reasonable. So far, I checked the FBI recommendations on children and online as well as several articles and find no such suggestions or warnings. I have found a few others that are recommending against. The advice is conflicting and I'm looking at it right now. I will update you if my position changes.
   
   But this goes to show that I'm not so unreasonable. Tara asked for me to remove details of her ex-husbands arrest as a child predator from the web and I did. Joni asked for me to remove information about her from the web and I did. To date, Tara hasn't asked any more from me. I can't assume what her wishes are. In fact, I don't believe that she's even reading this blog. I told her from the beginning when she was threatening me and demanding things that she would be amazed how reasonable I would be if she would treat me with a basic level of dignity and respect. She asked me to return some stuff and I did.
   
   
9. Karen suggests that cancer or diabetes is different then depression
   
   Response: Of course it is. According to the information I've been reading, depression has a very high success rate in treatment which cannot be said for the above. According to the things I've been reading, depression is an illness, not a choice. But one thing is certain, dumping a marriage because of the stress caused by dealing with a spouse in sickness is the same no matter what the sickness is.
   
   
10. Karen suggests that Tara was doing me a big favor.
    
    Response: You only need to read this blog to understand my pain.
    
    
11. Karen suggests that Tara is not a horrible step-mom for talking to the kids at church
    
    Response: I never said that Tara hated them. I said that Tara dumped them and doesn't care about them and this changed my view of her as a person. Tara went 6 weeks without asking how they were doing. When we did get to church, Tara did not take the time to say hi to them. Instead she sat and my kids had to ask me if it was okay to go tell her hi. Tara was cordial to them. And I express my appreciation to her for that in a letter and also here on this blog. Tara has not once since then asked me how they are doing (I asked her almost daily her how her children were doing and when I stopped contacting her, I've been posting here how frequently I wonder how they are doing and miss them).
    
    But Tara also offered my kids the opportunity to talk to hers and to play star wars with them. Tara has since refused to allow that to happen. My children called and left a message and Tara has refused to return that call.
    
    
12. Karen suggested that Tara should be cautious about reconciling.
    
    Response: I absolutely agree. In fact I don't recommend Tara to reconcile at this time. If she called me and asked to reconcile, I hope that I'd have the strength to tell her that maybe sometime in the future but not today, not without extensive counseling and time to get to know each other again and until I'm sure I'm over my depression and until I'm sure she has a real commitment and isn't marrying me just to pay her bills.
    
    I do however want to start EARNING her friendship. I don't expect her to give it freely. I don't expect her to wake up tomorrow and want to go to lunch with me. I do think it is reasonable for me to simply be able to call and ask if she found a job or how her kids are doing or if she needs anything.
    
    
13. Anonymous suggests that silence speaks volumes.
    
    Response: I have to agree. Tara dumped her step-children and is completely silent about it. I think that speaks volumes about her. But I still have hopes that its just a mistake she is making and that Tara can redeem herself and show she isn't the person that her silence speaks about her.
    
    
14. Anonymous suggests that children mimick their parents.
    
    Response: You are absolutely right. They will learn to take the easy way out. They will learn to give up. They will learn to shut out the people who care for them. They will learn to not value their family and friends. They will learn to not trust others for fear of the rejection they are no doubt feeling right now. They will learn that marriage commitments mean nothing. They will learn to turn their backs on those who are sick, especially if its a spouse and will cause them any hardships. They will learn that marriages can be thrown out like bathwater. They will learn that harboring hostility and anger should win out reason, intellect and peace. I could probably write 3 more pages about what they will learn by the only example they have now. And I don't say that to be mean, its just the cold hard truth.
    

I apologize to anyone if this post seems too strong, but its time for me to move on from that discussion. I have said my piece about it. You may attack me as you want in the comments.

I do however ask this. Please realize that I am not here to attack Tara. This blog was to focus on my emotions and the physical events surrounding my divorce. I still think Tara is a better person than she is showing herself to be. I still think there is hope for her. I would love nothing more than to be able to come here and tell you how great she is and how her actions prove that.

But today, her actions and silences speak far louder than words ever could.

I told Tara before I got married that I believe people can and do change. I hold out hope (and prayer) that Tara will. Not that she will change into what I want her to be. But that she will realize how much she is hurting my children and me and will seek a course and journey that finds some middle ground and establishes peace for all involved. I never asked her to take me back and I don't intend to at this point.

And Tara, if by any chance you are reading this, my request is simple. I don't ask you to forget what I've done. I don't ask you to pretend I didn't do it. I don't ask you to commit to anything to me at this point. I just ask you to give me a chance to show you that I'm sincere. Let's take it one day at a time. And the first step is to stop fighting and start working towards peace. The only step I can take is prayer for your healing (and mine) and for peace. Because you have been so outspoken that you don't want to talk to me, I choose to respect that and I will wait until you are ready to contact me. Understand that what I say here is part of my healing and not meant to hurt you or do any harm. When I have somewhere else to say it, I'll go there. Until then, this is the outlet I have.

Thanks for the Comments

There have been some very deep comments exchanged to a few of my recent posts and on another blog site. I want to thank everyone for your comments, both those who are supportive and who have been encouraging me and to those who have been critical of some of my actions here. I really appreciate all of the feedback. My goal is to improve myself and that means sometimes I have to hear things I don't want to hear. I want you to know that I seriously think about and consider every comment made to me, especially the critical ones. I'm seeking answers for myself and answers as to how I can move my divorce towards peace.

Some of you have suggested reasons why Tara might be upset or how she might be feeling or why she might not talk to me. I really appreciate that. It gives me other perspectives to consider. The sad reality however is that I won't truly know how Tara is feeling or if those apply to my situtaion because she won't tell me. I won't know what she expects or what I'm doing that is making her unhappy because she won't tell me that either. In fact, when I was being thrown out, I stood in her presence, in tears asking her to tell me the things that I had done wrong. I told her that even if she didn't want to work things out that it would be helpful to me in fixing myself if I truly knew. I never got an answer to that question.

When Tara decided I had to leave and after she had me removed from her home, I asked her to communicate with me and she refused. I figured her refusal to talk with me was because she thought I would try to talk her into taking me back and so I assured her repeatedly that I would not beg her to take me back and reminded her that if I did she would be able to immediately end those communications. Tara refused that as well.

I asked Tara to return to the counselor with me as she was demanding that I leave and she refused. I've asked her at least a dozen times since to go the counselor with me and she has refused. In fact, I made clear to her that we did not have to go there for the purpose of reconciling but that I thought it would be helpful to her to vent and would help us separate peacefully and ensure minimal impact to the children. She refused that too.

Someone has suggested how Tara might be feeling and that gave me a lot to think about. I want to respond to it and I already mentioned that I was planning a series called "Commenting on the Comments" but I was not at that time ready to start it. This dialogue today has sort of nudged me to do that next. Before I begin however, I need to do a little research on depression and will post the results of my findings here for every one's benefit.

The truth is I wish Tara and I could communicate via e-mail about topics like these as easily as I can communicate with each of you here following my story. Its been very helpful to me to receive criticism because now I know that I'm more successful at not reacting negatively (this really did a lot of harm after the separation). I thought e-mail would be a non threatening manner to carry such a discussion, but I am at a loss for how to get that going. If that day were to come, she would have to initiate it because she made known she didn't want me contacting her and even though I could legally send her a letter, I want her to know that I am trying to respect her wishes. I think such a communication would be helpful to both of us and ultimately to our children. But I have to admit, I'm not real hopeful that will ever happen.

For those of you who are believers, I could use your prayers as well (and I'm sure Tara could as well). I struggle back and forth so much. One day I'm glad to be moving on. The next day I'm completely crippled missing my dear wife and her children again. I know God's design for marriage is not divorce. I know God's design for me is not depression (and thanks to Him that I've made so much progress, but I still have a ways to go). I know God is a healer and can take away the pain that I have inflicted on Tara. More importantly, I know that God can circumcise my heart and remove those things from me which allow me to act selfishly and inflict that pain. And daily I surrender my heart in hopes of it being further circumcised. Everything rests in His hands now and I am learning more and more to trust Him each day.

Well, I continue to be amazed at how many people are following my story (over 300 people stopped by yesterday) and I appreciate all of the e-mails and comments I have been receiving. Thanks to everyone and I hope you will check back soon to see the results of my research on depression.

From My Dear Friend From Work

After reading through the comments to the post on January 8, 2007, my dear friend at work wanted to offer some words to my readers:

To everyone here, I happen to know both Tara and the author or this blog, as I worked with both of them. I have a very close friendship with "Some Guy" and though my interactions with Tara were very seldom; I have to say that both of them were highly respected at our place of work, as they both are wonderful people.

I really feel my very dear friend “Some Guy” is currently going through a roller coaster of emotions that are very normal to someone undergoing the process of separation, in which you range from anger to sadness; from missing to hating and vice versa; which if you’ve read the entire journey becomes very obvious as you go through the different posts.

I have to say that I am proud beyond words of the way he is handling the situation, because as sad as it is for him, he is really trying to push himself forward and move on.

About him I have to say that he is a great guy; a loyal friend; a loving and caring father who is as proud as one can be of his 3 precious kids and very much (and sincerely) loves and cares for Tara’s kids as if they were his own. He is also a brilliant guy (not just smart) and very well liked amongst employees due to his very kind personality.

I understand exactly what he is going through and perfectly understand his anger and his sadness as they flow.

However, I was quite disturbed to read what some readers are posting about what they think Tara is thinking and how those comments spark the anger of other readers; the reason I find this disturbing is because Tara is a wonderful lady, who has two beautiful kids – as you can see on the pictures- and does not deserve to be portrayed as the selfish person who is capable of dumping her depressed husband on his own in the middle of a crisis; I saw them when they were just dating, they seemed so happy.

I remember when he told me he had proposed, I immediately jumped off my chair and went to Tara’s desk to see her ring, she looked at me and in a rather shy way, extended her hand to me to show me her ring with this huge, beautiful smile that brighten up her entire face. I was really excited for them!

When he came back to work everyone was stunned to know that they were no longer together, and as usual in any work place, gossip around the reasons for the split began to surface. To this day, he has not shared with anyone but me the reasons for the split or who did/said what to who; as a matter of fact, he normally addresses all inquiries with a polite, “it was my fault, but I prefer not to discuss it, if you don’t mind”; he does not share anything else, as he is not quite sure himself of the reason why he was asked to leave and he does not want anyone to vilify Tara.

I don’t know what Tara is going through or what she is thinking, but a divorce is always painful in both sides and, as in love as they once seemed to be and as highly regarded both of them are, I have to say that I honestly do not think she would be capable of such a despicable and selfish act as it is to kick her husband out just because she doesn’t want to deal with his depression for her own sake.

As emotional as these times are for all parties involved, I would challenge each of the readers to please refrain from making hateful accusations towards either one of them.

To both of you Tara and my dear friend ‘Some Guy” I wish you the best!

Thanks, I really appreciated you sending this to me and asking me to post it for my readers.

Sick Kid

I got up this morning and began preparing for church when my youngest son Timothy became ill. We ended up not making it to church this morning as a result. I missed seeing my brother in law and his baby though.

This morning while I spent time reading my daily devotionals, I realized that perhaps I was enjoying and partaking in my new found freedoms too much. In the past couple of weeks, I've gone out on several occasions with friends, coworkers and for poker games. None of these occasions did I become drunk, but I think it would be better for my testimony if I simply didn't drink at all. So I'm resolved today that next time I go out with friends or out for dinner with my female friend or to a poker game, I'll simply say "No Thanks" and order a water.

My diet is going very well. I own 3 belts, two work belts and one dress belt. They are each three consecutive sizes. I can no longer use the largest belt because when it is fastened to its tightest, I can pull it 2 - 3 inches away from my body (has plenty of slack in it). The second work belt is being worn on its last/tightest notch and is already getting to be loose. The dress belt is being worn on the 2nd to last notch (which is an improvement of 2 notches from before). It won't be long before I have to go buy a new smaller belt. I'm going to try to hold out on buying new clothes for as long as I can because I anticipate losing a lot more and will probably have to buy clothes several times along the way.

I spent the weekend working on business ideas. I'm ready to get started on several projects but am once again stumped on a name for the business. It is really ashamed that my wife is choosing to hold the business I formed 1 - 2 weeks before we separated hostage. It has a name and brand that I would love to use but Tara has refused to work towards a peaceful settlement on our property division and so I can't risk putting time and effort into a business that she could tear apart later in a bitter divorce.

Well, I just want to reiterate again how much I appreciate the comments and e-mails and support that everyone has shown. Today is already a record day. It's around 1 PM and we're already at over 100 different people visiting the site today. If you're stopping by, please browse around and leave some comments and let me know what you think. I welcome everything, the good, the bad and the ugly (just keep it PG). If you have a site or blog, consider adding a link to this blog and then click my profile and e-mail me and let me know you added a link. I'll return the favor.

I have a busy day planned. I will be writing for some other blogs and running errands for a bit. It's great to be alive again and following my dreams.

Celebration, Over The Hill, Chistmas Gifts and Poker

It was great last night to get out. I really enjoyed getting my mind off of things for a while. I had a few drinks and relaxed and just sort of soaked in my new found freedom. I spoke for a bit with my female friend from work. She has really shown me that I deserve more and better in life than what Tara could have ever given me. I guess I always knew this down inside, but was blinded by love and didn't want to believe it before. I had resigned myself to giving up my dreams to make my wife happy and that was such a poor thing for me to do. I should have respected myself first and foremost regardless of Tara's inability to dream or to be loved.

Today was an interesting day. My family always makes huge productions out of 30th, 40th and 50th birthdays. We throw huge over the hill parties and are always trying to get one up on each other. My brother's 30th birthday was in November 2006. I'm not sure why it took all the way until January 2007 to throw his party, but my family chose to do that today. He was told it was a birthday party for our cousin (who is celebrating her birthday next week) and when he showed up, he was surprised that he was being ambushed for his 30th birthday.

Some of the family members reminded me that they had gifts for my step children. I told them that Tara had not even allowed me to give my gifts to them and that I have not contacted or even attempted to communicate with Tara since I received her petition for the protective order on December 15th. Even though I won in court and her case was dismissed and I could attempt to contact her, I have not attempted to contact my wife since that time. My children keep asking to call but the last time they called (before December 15th), they left a voice message and Tara has not returned that call.

Tonight, I was invited to and played another poker game. This is only the second live poker game that I've played and I finished in 2nd place. I played well but was able to see my weaknesses again and know that I'll need a fair bit of work to improve my offline/live poker game. I really enjoyed playing again and was happy to see that I again out played several people who are regulars to these games and who are considered to be good at the game.

Well, I'm off to write for my other blogs for a bit before I go to bed.

Freedom

Well, it's official. I was served with a copy of my wife's petition for divorce today. When I saw the car pull into the drive way, I nearly ran to the door to great the officer and get the paperwork. He looked surprised. I take it they don't see a lot of people who are eager to see them.

I feel like a huge burden has been lifted from me. I look back now at our relationship and can see where there were signs everywhere that we wouldn't work out. Of course I was blindly in love back then. The counselor was right when she told me that she believed my relationship with Tara was really holding me back and pulling me down.

I'm mulling over the idea of going out tonight and celebrating my divorce to be. I have several friends that think I should though and am eager to take me out. I'm a bit tired already (its been a long week).

Today, I feel free!

Amazing Day Today

I had an absolutely amazing day today overall.

The scale and diet are looking good so far. I had another person today tell me that it looked like I was losing weight. This really validated to me that my efforts are producing results (beyond just seeing a few pounds come off on the scale).

At work, I'm teaching a team of new hires (17 people of which 8 are my direct reports). I've had 3 to 4 people that are not my direct reports ask if they could be transferred to me because they really liked me as a manager. That really validated for me that I'm doing well again at work.

I picked up the Quick Quarter (local classifieds paper) and have a few leads on potential houses for rent. I'm running them down and hoping something pans out in the Lafayette or Opelousas area (a little closer than Krotz Springs). If not though, its time for me to get established and I'll go ahead and rent the place in Krotz Springs next week.

I've again completed several items on my list today. Things are starting to shape up in my preparations for a BIG 2007.

I have two women from past relationships who have been pursuing me since they found out that Tara and I split up. In fact one of them is pursuing me quite aggressively. Even though I have no interest in pursuing a relationship with them at this time, I'm absolutely flattered that they have realized what they lost and are so determined to get me back.

Someone attempted to serve papers on me today at my parents' house. Yesterday, I mentioned to my female friend at work that I felt like it was the calm before the storm and that I felt things were about to get really ugly. I even wrote in my blog that I was getting ready for the next round. I thought I'd be really shaken when the papers did finally come, but instead I was relieved and even excited to a point. Because I wasn't there, they couldn't serve me. I was so anxious to get the papers, I called the Sheriff's department to see if I could appear to be served but was informed they weren't attempting service on me. I have to assume it was a private process server and will just have to wait until tomorrow.

Don't get me wrong, its not that I like what is going on, I'm just anxious for it to be over with. I'm ready to move on with my life and even though my wife says she wants nothing to do with me she is doing everything in her power to slow this down and drag it through court battles and force herself to face me over and over again when we could easily work out the details via e-mail or over the phone and execute an agreement and be done with it.

Finally, I just can't say how much I appreciate every one's support. I have so many friends at work that are so disappointed in the way things turned out between me and Tara and are showing so much sympathy and support towards me. I am getting more and more e-mails every day from people who passed by this blog who are praying and supporting me. And I really appreciate that. It has helped me so much in beginning down this path.

Well, I'm off to write for my other blogs. Thanks everyone for your support and kind wishes. They've been more helpful to me than you could ever imagine. Please keep the e-mails and comments coming (you can e-mail me by clicking profile). If you've linked to my blog, please e-mail me so that I can put up a link to your blog here.

Links

This morning's post will be brief.

Thanks again for the e-mails and comments you've been sending. I really appreciate the encouragement that I've been receiving.

Some of you have mentioned that you've linked to my blog. If you have, please drop me an e-mail and let me know the address of your blog. I will start a blog roll on the right in the upcoming day or so and I would like to return the favor.

Thanks again everyone. I'm off to write for my other blogs and will be apartment hunting again this afternoon.

Apartment Hunting

I'm going to make one last push this week to try to find an apartment or place to stay closer to Lafayette. If that doesn't pan out, I may ultimately be headed out towards the Krotz Springs area regardless of what anyone might thing about it. I have reason to believe that my wife will misinterpret it because she has already accused me once of driving by her place to spy on her (which I have not done). She based that on information I had about her spending time with her ex husband and being seen around town with him.

What she doesn't realize is that Krotz Springs is a small town and everyone talks. When I passed through town to pick up mail and gas up, I had more than one person eager to tell me what was going on. I don't even need to ask, people volunteer the information to me. Even the judge suggested that someone might have told me those things when Tara claimed my knowledge of them proved I was watching her. But it won't matter what I say, she will believe whatever she wants. And so I'm convinced that she'll believe the wrong things if I move out there. And if she wants to think I'm moving there just to annoy her, that will be her problem.

In either case, I'm going to make another push to find something more local to my job but I'm not real encouraged. Most apartments are telling me six months wait. Ever since Hurricane Katrina pushed hundreds of thousands of people out of New Orleans, there has been a housing shortage in Lafayette which is in South Central Louisiana.

I'm preparing myself for the next round of attacks from my wife as well. I was really hoping that our divorce could be peaceful. It's my fault though for starting off on the wrong path when we separated. She might have let things be peaceful if I had not so strongly reacted to her rejection of me and her immediate demands. But I've really calmed myself down and am determined not to react negatively when the next round of attacks hit. I wish that she could see that I don't want to fight and am trying my best not to react the way that I did when this mess started. I really wish she would just ask for whatever it is she wants instead of going about things this way, but I suppose that would just be too easy. So I'm preparing for the next wave of attacks.

I really did trust and believe Tara when she kept reminding me how easy she took it on her ex husband when they divorced. Why would I have expected her to be so bitter towards me. Tara claims that her ex husband, Chad William Stelly, cheated on her, I didn't do that. Tara claims Chad physically abused her, I didn't do that. Heck, law enforcement claims Chad solicited sex from a minor over the Internet and is prosecuting him for such, I haven't done that either. I did make plenty of mistakes in our marriage, in fact I blame myself almost entirely that our marriage broke down. But for whatever reason, I can't find an olive branch to offer to establish peace between us.

So I have to ready myself for a battle I don't want to fight.

Today, I'll be making calls to apartments again and I'm going to spend some time writing for my other blogs so I'm not sure what time my next update will be here. I again appreciate everyone who has been e-mailing me and encouraging me and appreciate everyone's interest in my story. Yesterday turned out to be another record day with 102 different people passing by in all. If you find this story interesting, please link to this blog from your site or blog.

Weird Day

Today was sort of a weird day for me.

First off, I have to say that this blog has had another record day. So far today, we've had 87 different people come by. I'm absolutely thrilled that so many people are taking an interest in my story. If you didn't know, when you stop by, you can comment on any of the articles by clicking the "comments" link beneath the article. You can also read the comments that have been left by other people when you click on that link.

Today, one of the managers at work commented that I looked like I was losing weight. This was the first time that someone noticed and mentioned it. It really made me feel good to know that it was slowly becoming visible. I don't really see where I've yet lost enough pounds for people to tell but I'm glad none the less that someone has noticed. That just encourages me even that much more.

What really made today weird was that I got asked on a date. It caught me completely off guard. I'm the sort of guy that really likes a woman who knows what she wants and isn't afraid to ask for it so I'm really intrigued that I was asked. The truth is, I don't really feel like dating at this point. But I need the distraction from everything else. I haven't decided yet if I'll go out, but it felt very good to have someone else ask me out.

I accomplished several items on my list and called around for apartments again today and again I had no luck in finding anything that had openings. I'm pretty close to giving up and just renting the house I found in Krotz Springs. I'm sure I'll be accused of moving there just to harass my wife or spy on her, but that's Tara's problem if she wants to flatter herself in that way.

Thanks

I continue to be amazed at how many people are stopping by and following my story. Yesterday was a record with over 70 different people stopping by. I installed a counter on the right side that shows how many unique or different people visit each day as well as how many total pages are viewed. I appreciate all of the e-mails and comments that you've been sending. It has really been encouraging to me.

I spent the weekend writing more than 50 new posts for a couple of new blogs that I'm working on. I will be starting 2 more blogs this week which means I'll be actively writing for 5 blogs in total, this 1 and 4 new ones. It's going to be quite a task keeping up with that many blogs, but I'm certain that I can do it.

Well, my kids are back to school today. I'm missing my step-children and wonder what they will do with their last week out of school (they don't go back until next week).

Dinner with my friend and her mom on New Year's Eve and the big lunch I had with my family didn't help my diet any, but it didn't set me back too far. I've started exercising to a Weight Watchers DVD I have so no doubt I'll be on track this week to continue losing weight. My belt is on its last notch (added to task list: get a new belt) and my pants are already getting loose so I'm already starting to feel the difference (it isn't quite visible yet). I couldn't be more excited.

This post will be short because I have some errands to run before I go to work. I have to pass by Krotz Springs and do a number of other things. I've already knocked a couple of items off my task list this morning and can't wait to see what this week holds.

New Year Resolutions 2007 - BIG!

This is the time of year when people create lists of New Year Resolutions. I suppose its obligatory that anyone who has a personal blog should post that list online. I've never been a big fan of New Year Resolutions. Usually these are just lists that people create so they can forget about them even faster than they created them.

I'm absolutely surprised as to how many people are visiting this site and following my story. Over the last few days, I've had over 50 unique people visit this blog each day. I could never have imagined that anyone would be so interested in my story and what I'm going through. I appreciate the comments and e-mails that you've been sending and encouraging me. To those of you going through similar things, I would encourage you to stay strong and not to lose hope.

Since I'm not a fan of New Year Resolutions, I debated not posting at all, but since you've taken the time to be interested in my life, I feel like I'd be letting you down if I didn't. Instead of New Year Resolutions, I'm going to call my list "New Year Dreams, Goals and Prayers." As many of you know, starting a week or two ago, I really refocused my life and started working towards my goals again. So I already have a head start. But I'll provide an abbreviated list here.

New Year Dreams, Goals and Prayers

Personal

• To continue to seek God and to strengthen my walk with Him. In the last few weeks, I've really been learning to rely on Him and wait on His timing instead of trying to make things happen when I want them to. This has been a difficult lesson for me and I pray that He will continue to strengthen me in this area.



• To be a better father to my children. Namely, I need to spend more time with them and more regularly.



• To continue to improve myself overall. I've grown so much in the past month through counseling and coaching and through books, seminars and programs. But the more I grow, the more I realize I have a lot more to change about myself. I'm so encouraged that others are seeing these changes in me already without me even having to tell them. I pray that I continue down this path and that my testimony continues to grow.

Career

• To be more organized and more effective as a manager at my employer which I just returned to. I used to have teams that really spoke highly of me and appreciated me as a manager and as their boss. I pray that this will be increased even more in the upcoming year.



• To refocus myself on my education. My Political Science, Pre-Law studies are half complete, but I still have a long ways to go. Additionally, I need to refocus myself on continuing to accumulate the credits necessary to qualify as a Certified Public Accountant once I finish my bachelors degree.



• To launch a new business this year. I have some ideas that I believe will be successful. In fact given 2 to 3 years, I'm confident I can outdo my last highly successful business. I pray that I'll find a new name in a reasonable amount of time or that the hostilities between my wife and I will pass so that I can safely utilize the business I formed in 2006 just before we separated.



• To continue learning Spanish and to be able to carry a conversation in Spanish by the end of the year. Last night (notice I didn't say yesterday night, that's an inside joke with my wife but I doubt she'll see this) I was around people speaking Spanish and I actually understood about 1/3rd of everything I heard. This surprised me and motivated me to continue my learning.

Health

• To continue losing weight and getting in shape. My goal is to reach 165 pounds. I have about 115 pounds to go which is an aggressive goal. It's time for me to go through a total body reformation for my health and appearance.

Recreation

• To enroll in and complete a motorcycle rider's course, to get my endorsement and to purchase a motorcycle for recreational riding.



• To return to Pensacola Beach this year and to go para sailing again. I also want to take the helicopter ride while I am out there which will mark my first time in a helicopter.



• To go for my first sky dive after I lose about 30 pounds. Then to continue jumping until I have accumulated enough jumps and training to go by myself. My goal is to accomplish this before the end of the year.



• To participate regularly in local no limit texas hold'em poker games and at least 3 Louisiana Casino based tournaments.



• To restart my private pilot training lessons and to complete my private pilot license this year.



• To schedule a cruise to be taken in 2007 or 2008. I've been wanting to go on a cruise for a long time but have not had the chance to. I want to be sure to take a Caribbean Cruise with several ports/stops and I want go swimming with dolphins.



• To enroll in and take Cajun Dancing lessons, something I've been wanting to do for some time.



• To begin planning for an international trip for 2008. Some possible choice locations are Costa Rica, Italy, London or any other of a wide variety of places I would like to see. My goal would be to continue this and to take an additional international vacation every other year.

Relationships

• To not react at all to my wife since I keep hurting her every time I react to her rejection of me. I want to achieve peace in our separation and ultimately our divorce so that neither one of us has to endure any more pain than we already have.



• I pray that I would regain my friend. I call this one a prayer because I know there is nothing I can do in my power to make this happen. I have acted in such a deplorable manner that she is justified in never wanting to talk to me again. I pray that God would release her from the bad memories and hurt and pain and that in His timing we would be able to share at least a basic friendship.

I have several other Dreams, Goals and Prayers that I will not publish here at this time. I know these things seem ambitious and probably a lot to accomplish, but for anyone who actually knows me, they know that once I resolve my mind to do something, the chances of me accomplishing it are actually quite high.

When my wife and I were dating, she used to tell me that I took on way too much. In my past, I've accomplished and done so much that when I tell the stories, many people didn't believe I could possibly be telling the truth, especially when I was younger (now that I'm older its not so hard to imagine that I could have had all of those experiences in life).

I'm expecting truly BIG things for 2007 and am glad that I've already started down the path a few weeks ago which proves to me that this is not a fleeting list of resolutions that will be forgotten before the end of the week.