Thanks for the Comments

There have been some very deep comments exchanged to a few of my recent posts and on another blog site. I want to thank everyone for your comments, both those who are supportive and who have been encouraging me and to those who have been critical of some of my actions here. I really appreciate all of the feedback. My goal is to improve myself and that means sometimes I have to hear things I don't want to hear. I want you to know that I seriously think about and consider every comment made to me, especially the critical ones. I'm seeking answers for myself and answers as to how I can move my divorce towards peace.

Some of you have suggested reasons why Tara might be upset or how she might be feeling or why she might not talk to me. I really appreciate that. It gives me other perspectives to consider. The sad reality however is that I won't truly know how Tara is feeling or if those apply to my situtaion because she won't tell me. I won't know what she expects or what I'm doing that is making her unhappy because she won't tell me that either. In fact, when I was being thrown out, I stood in her presence, in tears asking her to tell me the things that I had done wrong. I told her that even if she didn't want to work things out that it would be helpful to me in fixing myself if I truly knew. I never got an answer to that question.

When Tara decided I had to leave and after she had me removed from her home, I asked her to communicate with me and she refused. I figured her refusal to talk with me was because she thought I would try to talk her into taking me back and so I assured her repeatedly that I would not beg her to take me back and reminded her that if I did she would be able to immediately end those communications. Tara refused that as well.

I asked Tara to return to the counselor with me as she was demanding that I leave and she refused. I've asked her at least a dozen times since to go the counselor with me and she has refused. In fact, I made clear to her that we did not have to go there for the purpose of reconciling but that I thought it would be helpful to her to vent and would help us separate peacefully and ensure minimal impact to the children. She refused that too.

Someone has suggested how Tara might be feeling and that gave me a lot to think about. I want to respond to it and I already mentioned that I was planning a series called "Commenting on the Comments" but I was not at that time ready to start it. This dialogue today has sort of nudged me to do that next. Before I begin however, I need to do a little research on depression and will post the results of my findings here for every one's benefit.

The truth is I wish Tara and I could communicate via e-mail about topics like these as easily as I can communicate with each of you here following my story. Its been very helpful to me to receive criticism because now I know that I'm more successful at not reacting negatively (this really did a lot of harm after the separation). I thought e-mail would be a non threatening manner to carry such a discussion, but I am at a loss for how to get that going. If that day were to come, she would have to initiate it because she made known she didn't want me contacting her and even though I could legally send her a letter, I want her to know that I am trying to respect her wishes. I think such a communication would be helpful to both of us and ultimately to our children. But I have to admit, I'm not real hopeful that will ever happen.

For those of you who are believers, I could use your prayers as well (and I'm sure Tara could as well). I struggle back and forth so much. One day I'm glad to be moving on. The next day I'm completely crippled missing my dear wife and her children again. I know God's design for marriage is not divorce. I know God's design for me is not depression (and thanks to Him that I've made so much progress, but I still have a ways to go). I know God is a healer and can take away the pain that I have inflicted on Tara. More importantly, I know that God can circumcise my heart and remove those things from me which allow me to act selfishly and inflict that pain. And daily I surrender my heart in hopes of it being further circumcised. Everything rests in His hands now and I am learning more and more to trust Him each day.

Well, I continue to be amazed at how many people are following my story (over 300 people stopped by yesterday) and I appreciate all of the e-mails and comments I have been receiving. Thanks to everyone and I hope you will check back soon to see the results of my research on depression.

Weird Day

Today was sort of a weird day for me.

First off, I have to say that this blog has had another record day. So far today, we've had 87 different people come by. I'm absolutely thrilled that so many people are taking an interest in my story. If you didn't know, when you stop by, you can comment on any of the articles by clicking the "comments" link beneath the article. You can also read the comments that have been left by other people when you click on that link.

Today, one of the managers at work commented that I looked like I was losing weight. This was the first time that someone noticed and mentioned it. It really made me feel good to know that it was slowly becoming visible. I don't really see where I've yet lost enough pounds for people to tell but I'm glad none the less that someone has noticed. That just encourages me even that much more.

What really made today weird was that I got asked on a date. It caught me completely off guard. I'm the sort of guy that really likes a woman who knows what she wants and isn't afraid to ask for it so I'm really intrigued that I was asked. The truth is, I don't really feel like dating at this point. But I need the distraction from everything else. I haven't decided yet if I'll go out, but it felt very good to have someone else ask me out.

I accomplished several items on my list and called around for apartments again today and again I had no luck in finding anything that had openings. I'm pretty close to giving up and just renting the house I found in Krotz Springs. I'm sure I'll be accused of moving there just to harass my wife or spy on her, but that's Tara's problem if she wants to flatter herself in that way.

Thanks

I continue to be amazed at how many people are stopping by and following my story. Yesterday was a record with over 70 different people stopping by. I installed a counter on the right side that shows how many unique or different people visit each day as well as how many total pages are viewed. I appreciate all of the e-mails and comments that you've been sending. It has really been encouraging to me.

I spent the weekend writing more than 50 new posts for a couple of new blogs that I'm working on. I will be starting 2 more blogs this week which means I'll be actively writing for 5 blogs in total, this 1 and 4 new ones. It's going to be quite a task keeping up with that many blogs, but I'm certain that I can do it.

Well, my kids are back to school today. I'm missing my step-children and wonder what they will do with their last week out of school (they don't go back until next week).

Dinner with my friend and her mom on New Year's Eve and the big lunch I had with my family didn't help my diet any, but it didn't set me back too far. I've started exercising to a Weight Watchers DVD I have so no doubt I'll be on track this week to continue losing weight. My belt is on its last notch (added to task list: get a new belt) and my pants are already getting loose so I'm already starting to feel the difference (it isn't quite visible yet). I couldn't be more excited.

This post will be short because I have some errands to run before I go to work. I have to pass by Krotz Springs and do a number of other things. I've already knocked a couple of items off my task list this morning and can't wait to see what this week holds.

Last Night

I had an absolute blast last night. It's the first time I've gone out in a long time. I don't think my parents were too thrilled that I came back in after 4 AM.

My family and kids are headed to Shreveport today to do the Christmas thing with my Dad's family. I decided not to go because I don't feel like having to deal with everyone expressing their sympathy to me that I've lost yet another wife. Last time I went there, I was told that they were all hoping this marriage would work out better than my prior marriages.

When they were packing to go, Timothy asked me where their step brother's gifts were at. I told him that I had put them in storage because it will probably be a long time before I get to give them to him. He didn't ask any other questions about it which was good for me because I'm having a hard time making excuses for why things are the way they are. Scott got real quiet after that and sort of withdrew. I hate seeing my kids like this. I've been debating on whether or not I should put him into counseling because he seams to be taking this the hardest. When Job went say hi to Tara Lynn Ray or Tara Ray or Tara Lynn Stelly or Tara Ray Stelly or Tara Stelly or Tara Lynn Scott or Tara Ray Scott or Tara Scott at church, I told Scott it was okay for him to go but he said he didn't want to. I think he's kinda mad because he was told that he could call and talk to his step brother and play Star Wars with him but he's not been able to.

My diet is also off to a good start. I'm now only 30 pounds away from sky diving and 115 pounds away from my goal (that's down from 35 and 120 when I started). I can't wait to get myself in better shape than I am today. I have a long ways to go but I'm already starting to feel like I can take on the world.

I'm really looking forward to the no limit texas hold'em poker game this evening. That's something I've wanted to do for a long time. In the mean time, I'll go work on the new blog I started. I have a lot of things to post there.

Star Wars, Counselors and Apartments

Today is off to a slower start than yesterday, but I've already knocked a few items off of my list.
The one area I'm not having any success in is apartment hunting. Everything in Lafayette and surrounding areas is booked solid. Even places I'm trying further out like Opelousas either have waiting lists or no openings and don't maintain waiting lists. It is looking more and more like I may end up back in Krotz Springs. That's going to be a difficult thing, particularly since I'm sure it will be completely misinterpreted by my wife.

Because I'm having such a good week, I've decided not to schedule a counseling appointment this week (will be the first week I've not seen my counselor since my separation). I'm also not going to schedule time with Mort. At $300/hr, I just can't afford to keep doing this.

This leaves me with no outlet for my thoughts so I would expect activity at this blog will pick up in the upcoming days and weeks. I am also starting two additional blogs to detail other aspects of things I am going through. I think I would really prefer to share my thoughts with someone in person, but for the past couple of years, my wife was really the only person I spoke with. Since I don't have that anymore, I opt for these blogs as my outlet to express my emotions and vent now and then.

The only real difficulty I encountered this morning was when my oldest son asked me again when he could play Star Wars with his step-brother. I just told him I don't know. I really wish I had not told him that Tara Lynn Ray or Tara Ray or Tara Lynn Stelly or Tara Ray Stelly or Tara Stelly or Tara Lynn Scott or Tara Ray Scott or Tara Scott said it would be okay for him to play with his step-brother sometimes.