Last Night

I had an absolute blast last night. It's the first time I've gone out in a long time. I don't think my parents were too thrilled that I came back in after 4 AM.

My family and kids are headed to Shreveport today to do the Christmas thing with my Dad's family. I decided not to go because I don't feel like having to deal with everyone expressing their sympathy to me that I've lost yet another wife. Last time I went there, I was told that they were all hoping this marriage would work out better than my prior marriages.

When they were packing to go, Timothy asked me where their step brother's gifts were at. I told him that I had put them in storage because it will probably be a long time before I get to give them to him. He didn't ask any other questions about it which was good for me because I'm having a hard time making excuses for why things are the way they are. Scott got real quiet after that and sort of withdrew. I hate seeing my kids like this. I've been debating on whether or not I should put him into counseling because he seams to be taking this the hardest. When Job went say hi to Tara Lynn Ray or Tara Ray or Tara Lynn Stelly or Tara Ray Stelly or Tara Stelly or Tara Lynn Scott or Tara Ray Scott or Tara Scott at church, I told Scott it was okay for him to go but he said he didn't want to. I think he's kinda mad because he was told that he could call and talk to his step brother and play Star Wars with him but he's not been able to.

My diet is also off to a good start. I'm now only 30 pounds away from sky diving and 115 pounds away from my goal (that's down from 35 and 120 when I started). I can't wait to get myself in better shape than I am today. I have a long ways to go but I'm already starting to feel like I can take on the world.

I'm really looking forward to the no limit texas hold'em poker game this evening. That's something I've wanted to do for a long time. In the mean time, I'll go work on the new blog I started. I have a lot of things to post there.

Christmas Wish

Some people think long and hard about what they want for Christmas. I really don't have to think at all. What I really want, I already know I won't get.

Then there's the rational side of me that says to be more reasonable with my wish. To ask for something that I might actually get. I guess it would be reasonable to wish for a sign that peace is near. But even that I believe is probably an unreasonable expectation on my part. And so I'm sure my Christmas wish this year will go unfilled, but here it is none the less.

I wish only to see a sign that my divorce will not continue to be a bitter war and that my wife and I can split peacefully. I wish perhaps that I'd be caught off guard by a text message just wishing me a Merry Christmas from my beautiful wife. I wish that my children would have the chance to tell her children Merry Christmas. Such a simple thing and yet I'm certain it won't happen. I don't want cars or diamonds or millions of dollars. Just an olive branch of peace.

But I'm afraid there will be no olive trees this year for a branch to be plucked from and so my already ruined Christmas will deny me even the simplest of wishes. And since I'm convinced that my wife cares not enough even to grant this simple wish, I don't even ask.

So I lay here in pain for yet another Christmas. But I find relief finally that my emotional pain is beginning to give way for physical pain. I began experiencing chest pains a few hours ago. It feels like my chest is being twisted and wrung out like a wet towel. I've have several bouts lasting about 30 minutes each and getting worse each time. The last time, the pain spread to my arms (particularly underneath in the armpit area) and to my neck. I almost felt as if someone was squeezing my neck and choking me. The last bout left me hurting underneath my jaw as well, something I've never experienced before, at least not in that way.

But sadly, this recent physical pain has been a relief. It has numbed my emotional pain as I lay here wondering if it is stress induced from all that has happened or signs of something more serious. I find myself wondering increasingly if it will simply pass or if I my poor healthy might finally be catching up with me. As I try to nap, I even find myself wondering if I will wake again. I'm trying not to let my mind wonder in that direction because my boys need me. But I lack the will or strength or even the desire to alert anyone or do anything about it. I suppose if the pain gets bad enough, I'll take a few pain pills and try to rest until it passes.

Woke Up Dead

I woke up dead this morning as I knew I would.

My children asked this morning if they would get to see their step-brothers and bring their Christmas gifts. I broke down and cried in front of my sons and was unable to answer. I could tell by my oldest son's expression that he knew he would likely never see or speak to his step-brother's again.

I saw my wife, Tara Scott or Tara Lynn Scott or Tara Ray Scott or Tara Stelly or Tara Lynn Stelly or Tara Ray Stelly or Tara Ray or Tara Lynn Ray in church this morning. She was absolutely stunning as she always is. Once again I wished so much that I could tell her how beautiful she looked. I used to send her text messages all the time that said that. I could send her one now since there is no restraining order, but I won't. I know she won't understand or even appreciate that I am trying to show her the respect that she refuses to show me.

And even now that I am dead, I died more today in church. I tried my best to keep my composure and not break down but I cried several times throughout service. I tried to focus in on worshiping God and forgetting about my wife, but the harder I tried, the more I cried.

And what could she possibly be thinking? Probably that I'm a big wimp. Crying like a baby. She won't understand why I don't just forget about her and move on. And I don't expect she ever will. I don't suspect she will even care. I wonder where I could have been so wrong in the things that I believed about her. I imagine that she probably sits there and chuckles and is glad that she has hurt me so and that she continues to hurt me.

So the biggest injury I sustain today is seeing my beautiful wife there in church and not even being able to tell her Merry Christmas or mail to her a Christmas card. I know that I can, legally anyway. But as I said before, even though she won't appreciate it, I'm choosing to show her the respect that she refuses to show to me.

And I feel like I've hurt my own children the most. Against my better judgment I mixed them with other kids they absolutely came to view as their own brothers. They accepted my wife and her family as their own. She doesn't even ask how they are doing. She appears in church and won't even walk over and say high to the children. She'll ask superficially if one of them approach her. I used to wonder if she thought about the kids or missed them, but instead I'm left wondering if she ever cared about them to begin with. I'm also surprised that her family has not so much as asked how the kids are doing or sent a Christmas card or otherwise. I suppose it was unrealistic for me to believe that my children mattered to anyone.

After church I had to kneel before my kids and hug them and told them I was sorry that I ran off another woman that they loved. I just hugged them tight and cried for a while. I wish they didn't see me this way, but I just can't hold it together.

And so I'm lost for words to describe how I feel. I am beyond dead. The best I can think of is decaying. What was left of me now decomposes and the few signs that ever there was life continue to fade.

Children Fading Away

I woke this morning and as my children were inspecting gifts under the tree, one of them asked me if they were going to see their step-brothers so that they could give their gifts to them.

I immediately broke down and began to cry. I do not know how to tell them that because of the sins of their father, they will likely never see or speak to their step-brothers again. I don't know how to tell them that the woman they called mother does not care enough about them to ask how they are doing or wish them a Merry Christmas. I was silent and as tears rolled down my face, I saw my son's lips quivering. Though I've not yet told him, he knows.

And so today, I woke up dead and sadly, I fear my children are fading away too.

Emotions: Perhaps Today Is A Good Day To Die

I sit here today, slowly dying. My identity, my soul, my heart and all that I am.

These holidays will be perhaps the worst I have ever sustained. To not be able to hear the words Merry Christmas or mail a card to the person I love is an injury I cannot describe. Legally, I could mail the card if I choose, but I will instead show the respect that I have been denied. I doubt it will be understood, realized, or appreciated, but I will none the less.

I ask myself why things are the way they are? Things could have gone so differently. Had I just been asked, just been treated with respect, I would have given just about anything, done just about anything.

And I was too much a coward to sit back and wait for the truce. Instead I fired back and destroyed any hope that might have remained. And so today, I am destroyed by my own weapons.

No doubt, a body, a blob of flesh will awaken tomorrow and breath and walk and be alive by all definitions, but I will be no longer.

Returned To Work

I recently handed over the a fair chunk of my remaining money to a couple of attorneys. I had really hoped that my wife, Tara Scott or Tara Lynn Scott or Tara Ray Scott or Tara Stelly or Tara Lynn Stelly or Tara Ray Stelly or Tara Ray or Tara Lynn Ray and I could have divorced without the use of attorneys. I am able to prepare the necessary documents myself and we needed only hash out the details of how we would divide property.

I had asked my wife several times to communicate with me for those purposes, but she refused. I let her know in one communication that because I was trying to start a business that we needed to settle the property issues quickly but that did not motivate her whatsoever to try to work with me to divide things.

This left me really resentful because she spent so much time trying to convince me that she would not cause problems like my prior wives had if things didn't work out. The example that she provided me was how easy she took it on her ex husband. But that simply turned out to be one big lie. In our only and original discussion to settle things, my wife demanded that I give her half of everything I had including monies and stocks that I had from before we were married. She also did not want to be responsible for my hospital bill despite the fact that I tried to refuse being brought to the ambulance and she insisted that I go. She threatened then that she would destroy me if I did not agree. We were never able to talk on settling property again after that.

So the lawyers have the money I had remaining on hand. I still need to get a few more Christmas gifts for the kids, but will have to transfer money from a non local account to do it. Its really ashamed. If I really want to be aggressive about it, when all is said and done, my wife would end up owing me at least a couple of thousands of dollars. Since she has a bankruptcy in her recent past, I could seek a judgment and then if she failed to pay I could seek to garnish her wages for it. I don't really see why I shouldn't be that aggressive. I warned her in the beginning when she was being aggressive with me and threatening me that I could be equally aggressive and that did not deter her. The truth is, I don't have the energy to fight anymore and will probably give in to whatever it takes to put this to rest.

I returned to work today. It was a very difficult thing to do. The day itself was difficult because my logins had not yet been setup and therefore I was left pretty much just sitting around with nothing to do. I had about 15 minutes of paperwork to do when I arrived and a meeting at 3 PM and another meeting at 5 PM. For the remainder of the day, I was incapable of doing anything and so the day seemed to last forever.

But worse yet was the fact that my wife and I met on that job. I had about 20 or so people ask me about her. They were all shocked to learn that we had split up. Many of them said that all they could remember is how happy we were when we were together. That left me tearing up and with a quivering lip several times.

Then later in the day, I passed by the desk where she sat when we first met. I could almost see her there like the first time I ever saw her. I remember that so fondly. She had one of the most beautiful smiles I had ever seen. And the day we first talked to each other, I knew then that I wanted to be with her for the rest of my life. I didn't think I would be with her because of the circumstances at that time. I couldn't have been more happy when those circumstances changed and she continued to talk with me and things progressed. But the point is, I knew the first time we ever spoke to each other that I wanted her.

Everything there at work served as a reminder for the great times we had. I went and visited the desk I sat at when she used to come visit with me. I remember the first table we sat at together in the cafeteria the first time we had lunch together on the job. I even remember our first date. We left together in my van and when I returned to drop her off at her car, we sat in the van talking for a little while. I remember what spot we sat in.

And so today I regret returning to work. I believe it will only make things more difficult for me. I called the counselor and setup another appointment. I'm not sure what to even tell her. I just wish the counselor could give me some magical formula to get over all of this because I just feel like I am dying slowly right now. It kills me that the woman I loved so much and whom I thought loved me doesn't care one bit how this is hurting me and I doubt she is hurting at all.

Emotions: Difficult Today

Today was a very difficult day overall. It seemed that everything I did and everywhere I looked reminded me of my wife whom I love so much and served as a reminder that I've lost her.

It started when I got up and brought my children with me to attend a Christmas musical being hosted by our local church. My wife's sister returned the check that I sent with her to my wife as a voluntary offering of support. That was the check that set in motion a string of events which eventually led to the request for a protective order that my wife filed. Just getting the check back caused an emotional reaction in me.

The Christmas musical itself left me in tears. It was comical and upbeat and I was probably the only person crying in the entire audience. My children and the people sitting next to me stared at me through the entire thing as tears poured down my face.

The theme of the music was families being together for Christmas. Of course my family will not be together. I will be separate from my wife and step-kids. After I returned home, I began to think. Now that there is a restraining order in place and I cannot even call or mail her a card and wish her a merry Christmas. Worse yet, I have gifts for her kids and my children want to call and talk to hers and I cannot even allow them to do that now. My middle son wrote a letter and was about to mail it to my wife on the same day that I received the restraining order. Now I can't allow him to send it.

After the musical, I was really feeling down and depressed and it occurred to me that this felt more like a death in the family than a relationship coming to an end. It feels like the death of a spouse and two children or at least what I could imagine that to feel like. See, I've been through two divorces before and ended relationships and none of them have affected me the way that this one has. I'm not sure why this is so different than the others. I really miss my wife and her two children. The fact that I can't even speak to them or pass by and visit is slowly killing me.

Later in the day, I was online chatting with a female friend who is also getting over a breakup and she invited me to the park to walk with her and to allow our children to play together. We walked in the park and talked a bit and then went on to eat at an Italian buffet. I accompanied her grocery shopping after that. The children seemed really enjoyed playing together. My children are really having a hard time with the loss of their step brothers and mother and I think this provided a much needed distraction for them.

After we left, my oldest son peppered me with questions about relationships and my marriage. I wonder what he was thinking but found clues when he began asking about my female friend and her son. I've been through two divorces with my children and I think he was wondering if my female friend would be my next relationship. I explained to him that sometimes adults just need friends to talk to and share experiences with and tried to explain to him that I was still married to my wife and still loved my wife and that I was not at a point in life were I would be looking for another woman to be in love with. I tried to explain it in a way that I felt he could understand.

I have found a lot of strength in my female friend. She is very determined to win her ex boyfriend back. In the process, she is losing weight and getting herself in shape. She's very bold and determined in her desires. And she encourages me in the same ways. She insists that I need to get out and exercise and get in shape and lose some weight. And I'm sure she is absolutely right about me needing to get in shape and focus on becoming happy with myself, but I fear that accomplishing that will not in turn cause me wife to be interested in me again. I mean at this point, I can't even speak with my wife or write her a letter.

Of course I had points at the park where I had to hold back my feelings. It was difficult, but I think I managed to not show the difficulties I was going through. See, when my wife and I dated, we used to take our children to the same park together to play. The children (both mine and hers) really liked that. So being in the park was a reminder to me again of how much I loved my wife and how much I missed her.