Thanks for the Comments

There have been some very deep comments exchanged to a few of my recent posts and on another blog site. I want to thank everyone for your comments, both those who are supportive and who have been encouraging me and to those who have been critical of some of my actions here. I really appreciate all of the feedback. My goal is to improve myself and that means sometimes I have to hear things I don't want to hear. I want you to know that I seriously think about and consider every comment made to me, especially the critical ones. I'm seeking answers for myself and answers as to how I can move my divorce towards peace.

Some of you have suggested reasons why Tara might be upset or how she might be feeling or why she might not talk to me. I really appreciate that. It gives me other perspectives to consider. The sad reality however is that I won't truly know how Tara is feeling or if those apply to my situtaion because she won't tell me. I won't know what she expects or what I'm doing that is making her unhappy because she won't tell me that either. In fact, when I was being thrown out, I stood in her presence, in tears asking her to tell me the things that I had done wrong. I told her that even if she didn't want to work things out that it would be helpful to me in fixing myself if I truly knew. I never got an answer to that question.

When Tara decided I had to leave and after she had me removed from her home, I asked her to communicate with me and she refused. I figured her refusal to talk with me was because she thought I would try to talk her into taking me back and so I assured her repeatedly that I would not beg her to take me back and reminded her that if I did she would be able to immediately end those communications. Tara refused that as well.

I asked Tara to return to the counselor with me as she was demanding that I leave and she refused. I've asked her at least a dozen times since to go the counselor with me and she has refused. In fact, I made clear to her that we did not have to go there for the purpose of reconciling but that I thought it would be helpful to her to vent and would help us separate peacefully and ensure minimal impact to the children. She refused that too.

Someone has suggested how Tara might be feeling and that gave me a lot to think about. I want to respond to it and I already mentioned that I was planning a series called "Commenting on the Comments" but I was not at that time ready to start it. This dialogue today has sort of nudged me to do that next. Before I begin however, I need to do a little research on depression and will post the results of my findings here for every one's benefit.

The truth is I wish Tara and I could communicate via e-mail about topics like these as easily as I can communicate with each of you here following my story. Its been very helpful to me to receive criticism because now I know that I'm more successful at not reacting negatively (this really did a lot of harm after the separation). I thought e-mail would be a non threatening manner to carry such a discussion, but I am at a loss for how to get that going. If that day were to come, she would have to initiate it because she made known she didn't want me contacting her and even though I could legally send her a letter, I want her to know that I am trying to respect her wishes. I think such a communication would be helpful to both of us and ultimately to our children. But I have to admit, I'm not real hopeful that will ever happen.

For those of you who are believers, I could use your prayers as well (and I'm sure Tara could as well). I struggle back and forth so much. One day I'm glad to be moving on. The next day I'm completely crippled missing my dear wife and her children again. I know God's design for marriage is not divorce. I know God's design for me is not depression (and thanks to Him that I've made so much progress, but I still have a ways to go). I know God is a healer and can take away the pain that I have inflicted on Tara. More importantly, I know that God can circumcise my heart and remove those things from me which allow me to act selfishly and inflict that pain. And daily I surrender my heart in hopes of it being further circumcised. Everything rests in His hands now and I am learning more and more to trust Him each day.

Well, I continue to be amazed at how many people are following my story (over 300 people stopped by yesterday) and I appreciate all of the e-mails and comments I have been receiving. Thanks to everyone and I hope you will check back soon to see the results of my research on depression.

From My Dear Friend From Work

After reading through the comments to the post on January 8, 2007, my dear friend at work wanted to offer some words to my readers:

To everyone here, I happen to know both Tara and the author or this blog, as I worked with both of them. I have a very close friendship with "Some Guy" and though my interactions with Tara were very seldom; I have to say that both of them were highly respected at our place of work, as they both are wonderful people.

I really feel my very dear friend “Some Guy” is currently going through a roller coaster of emotions that are very normal to someone undergoing the process of separation, in which you range from anger to sadness; from missing to hating and vice versa; which if you’ve read the entire journey becomes very obvious as you go through the different posts.

I have to say that I am proud beyond words of the way he is handling the situation, because as sad as it is for him, he is really trying to push himself forward and move on.

About him I have to say that he is a great guy; a loyal friend; a loving and caring father who is as proud as one can be of his 3 precious kids and very much (and sincerely) loves and cares for Tara’s kids as if they were his own. He is also a brilliant guy (not just smart) and very well liked amongst employees due to his very kind personality.

I understand exactly what he is going through and perfectly understand his anger and his sadness as they flow.

However, I was quite disturbed to read what some readers are posting about what they think Tara is thinking and how those comments spark the anger of other readers; the reason I find this disturbing is because Tara is a wonderful lady, who has two beautiful kids – as you can see on the pictures- and does not deserve to be portrayed as the selfish person who is capable of dumping her depressed husband on his own in the middle of a crisis; I saw them when they were just dating, they seemed so happy.

I remember when he told me he had proposed, I immediately jumped off my chair and went to Tara’s desk to see her ring, she looked at me and in a rather shy way, extended her hand to me to show me her ring with this huge, beautiful smile that brighten up her entire face. I was really excited for them!

When he came back to work everyone was stunned to know that they were no longer together, and as usual in any work place, gossip around the reasons for the split began to surface. To this day, he has not shared with anyone but me the reasons for the split or who did/said what to who; as a matter of fact, he normally addresses all inquiries with a polite, “it was my fault, but I prefer not to discuss it, if you don’t mind”; he does not share anything else, as he is not quite sure himself of the reason why he was asked to leave and he does not want anyone to vilify Tara.

I don’t know what Tara is going through or what she is thinking, but a divorce is always painful in both sides and, as in love as they once seemed to be and as highly regarded both of them are, I have to say that I honestly do not think she would be capable of such a despicable and selfish act as it is to kick her husband out just because she doesn’t want to deal with his depression for her own sake.

As emotional as these times are for all parties involved, I would challenge each of the readers to please refrain from making hateful accusations towards either one of them.

To both of you Tara and my dear friend ‘Some Guy” I wish you the best!

Thanks, I really appreciated you sending this to me and asking me to post it for my readers.