Sick Kid

I got up this morning and began preparing for church when my youngest son Timothy became ill. We ended up not making it to church this morning as a result. I missed seeing my brother in law and his baby though.

This morning while I spent time reading my daily devotionals, I realized that perhaps I was enjoying and partaking in my new found freedoms too much. In the past couple of weeks, I've gone out on several occasions with friends, coworkers and for poker games. None of these occasions did I become drunk, but I think it would be better for my testimony if I simply didn't drink at all. So I'm resolved today that next time I go out with friends or out for dinner with my female friend or to a poker game, I'll simply say "No Thanks" and order a water.

My diet is going very well. I own 3 belts, two work belts and one dress belt. They are each three consecutive sizes. I can no longer use the largest belt because when it is fastened to its tightest, I can pull it 2 - 3 inches away from my body (has plenty of slack in it). The second work belt is being worn on its last/tightest notch and is already getting to be loose. The dress belt is being worn on the 2nd to last notch (which is an improvement of 2 notches from before). It won't be long before I have to go buy a new smaller belt. I'm going to try to hold out on buying new clothes for as long as I can because I anticipate losing a lot more and will probably have to buy clothes several times along the way.

I spent the weekend working on business ideas. I'm ready to get started on several projects but am once again stumped on a name for the business. It is really ashamed that my wife is choosing to hold the business I formed 1 - 2 weeks before we separated hostage. It has a name and brand that I would love to use but Tara has refused to work towards a peaceful settlement on our property division and so I can't risk putting time and effort into a business that she could tear apart later in a bitter divorce.

Well, I just want to reiterate again how much I appreciate the comments and e-mails and support that everyone has shown. Today is already a record day. It's around 1 PM and we're already at over 100 different people visiting the site today. If you're stopping by, please browse around and leave some comments and let me know what you think. I welcome everything, the good, the bad and the ugly (just keep it PG). If you have a site or blog, consider adding a link to this blog and then click my profile and e-mail me and let me know you added a link. I'll return the favor.

I have a busy day planned. I will be writing for some other blogs and running errands for a bit. It's great to be alive again and following my dreams.

Remembering 2006

What an amazing year this has been.

The most important thing that happened to me this year was when I married the woman of my dreams, Tara Lynn Ray or Tara Ray or Tara Lynn Stelly or Tara Ray Stelly or Tara Stelly or Tara Lynn Scott or Tara Ray Scott. I couldn't have been happier and felt like all my dreams had come true.

Later in the year, I left my job at a major wireless carrier and went to work for her brother-in-law. I was really hesitant to go because I was concerned that his business would not be able to support me. After much thought, I decided to go because it meant I would be closer to my family and at home more. I really enjoyed that experience, but it was short lived. A few months later, I was no longer able to continue working for her brother-in-law.

I had been wanting to go back into business for myself as I had previously been self-employed and was successful at it but had been reluctant to because of some personal problems I had. I decided to make a go of it now that I was unemployed and sought my wife's support and opened the new business.

Despite the fact that I absolutely adored Tara and was happier than I had ever been, I did a lot of things wrong in our marriage. I would explain and rationalize everything away and did not realize how much some of my actions were hurting Tara and how they were sending the wrong signals about my commitment to her. At that time, in my mind, most of the problems we were having were her fault. I mean I could explain them objectively to other people and they almost always agreed with me. Little did I realize that I was wrong in almost every one of them and I was rapidly eroding the love that she had for me.

In early November, Tara did the bravest thing that could be imagined. She had the courage to insist that I leave despite the difficulties she would again face as a single mother, an unemployed one at that. I don't blame her one bit for the decisions that she made. I didn't realize that at the time and I was really hurt by her decision and unfortunately, I reacted very poorly and did a lot of harm in the time that followed our separation.

In the process, I've also lost my step-children. I had begun to accept them as if they were my own children. Unfortunately, in Louisiana, step-parents do not have any legal rights to visitations or otherwise so I have to accept Tara's decisions not to allow me to be a part of their life anymore. But its like an empty spot in my life now. It's like suffering the death of a loved one or of several loved ones all at once.

Though its been extremely difficult, I've come to accept Tara's decision that our marriage is over with. I do regret however that we had not parted peacefully. Tara wasn't just my wife and lover, but I viewed her like my friend and confidant. Tara and I are two very different people and that made the marriage difficult. I wish that in separating I had been more reasonable and understanding and had not lost my friend in the process. If I'd of just respected her decision from the start, I probably would be able to pick up the phone and ask her how her day went and be comforted by her voice. I don't know if the harm I've done can ever be repaired enough to make that a possibility some day.

One of the losses I suffered this year is not just Tara, but her family as well. I truly miss all of her family. I still talk very occasionally to my brother in law, but even that has been strained as of late. I do now understand why her family is so mad at me. Every time I've hurt Tara, I've hurt them. But I truly miss the cups of coffee with Tara's grandmother and spending the afternoons sitting on the porch with Tara's parents and family. Though I suppose we were never that close, I miss my other sister in law and her children and her husband. I miss my baby niece who I saw today and is growing so fast and hate that I'll only get a glimpse of her on Sunday's when we cross in church. I miss Tara's parents. I remember how much they seemed to like me when I first got involved with Tara and hate that I've managed to erode their trust and belief in me. I will miss ringing in the new year with her family tonight. I was there for the last two years and really enjoyed it.

My biggest regret for the year however is for what I've done to both her children and to my children. I know that her children loved me very much. No matter how well they are doing, I know they miss me. And I really miss them. It just kills me to not be able to see them or talk to them or even to get pictures of them from Tara. I also regret how much this has impacted my children. They were really close to Tara and to their step brothers. Even a full month (almost two now) later they ask almost daily when they will get to see or talk to or play with their step brothers again.

Until today, I've continually said that I have no regrets and even knowing what I know today, I'd still marry Tara again (of course I'd hope to do some things differently). But, a revelation came to me today. Sometimes when you love someone, the best thing you can do is to let them free. If I had it to do over again today, I think that I would not marry Tara over again. It's not because I don't absolutely love her or want to be with her. It's because I know that I hurt her and if doing with out her means that I could escape hurting her that way, I would choose that. And that is probably one of the toughest things that I could ever have come to realize or say.

I doubt Tara will ever see or read this. And by the rare chance that she would, I know she won't believe it. But I do hope and believe that Tara is or will be free from the pain that I've caused her and I hope that in time she will see, not by my words, but by my true actions and changes that I am trustworthy of her friendship. But that has to be in Tara and in God's timing. I don't have an open window right now to show her the differences in my life and she doesn't have a window to discover them on her own. Only time and God can heal those wounds and open that window. And I trust, in time that he will.

And that doesn't mean that I've given up hope. I don't believe there is anything that I could do to bring Tara and I back together again. I don't believe there is anything I can do to bring our children together again either. But I still hold on to hope that we will be able to part peacefully and that our children do not have to be victims in our feud. I also hope that some day Tara will be comfortable enough to let me call on her once in a while just to see how she is doing and how her children are doing. For now, I'm focused on changing myself so that if I ever get that chance, I won't blow it so badly like I did before.

So 2006 has been a very eventful year for me. It has marked the best thing that has ever happened to me and it has also marked the very worst thing that I have endured in my entire life. And it is in these realizations and in hindsight that I absolutely know that 2007 will be a banner year and holds great things for me.

Well, I'm off to write a few more posts for my other blogs and then I'm headed over to my friends house for New Years dinner with her mom and to ring in the new year. I'll see you next year and will kick off the year by sharing my New Years Goals, Dreams and Prayers.

Progress Today

This afternoon was a very productive day for me. At my job, they have not yet been able to provide me with logins so I don't have access to a computer, e-mail or otherwise. I've been helping where I can, but what I can do is very limited since all of the work there is computer based.

I have an unusual memory where I can remember certain types of information and things I've read with amazing accuracy and detail for years and even decades to come. I could literally quote back paragraphs from important texts I've read 10 years ago and would do so with 90 - 95% of the original wording in tact and precise. So people assume I'm incredibly intelligent. I heard the phrases "smartest manager" and "he knows everything" and "if he doesn't know, no one will" at least a dozen times today (without exaggeration).

But I have a really hard time remembering certain other types of information such as things I need to do and places I need to go. In that regards, I could literally be told to do something every day and forget to do it 100 days in a row. This side of me can be really frustrating to others and you'd think I was mentally challenged. In fact, this was a thorn in my relationship because the very first thing that went wrong that I'm aware of was me legitimately forgetting to do something and my wife interpreted it as though I was avoiding doing it. I really had no objections whatsoever to doing what she was asking, I just struggled to remember to do it in a time and manner when I was actually able to get it done (I would be reminded and remember all the time when I was not in a position to actually do it).

So to counter this, at least to some degree, I keep a task list. In the past, it would not be uncommon for the list to have 50 - 70 items on it pretty steadily. It was typical for me to complete 5 - 10 per day and work on an additional 5 or so. Some of the items on the list are dependant on the completion of other items and simply cannot be started or done until another item is completed. Some other items on the list are future dated and cannot be started until some time in the future. Some other items can be started but then have to wait on someone else before they can be finished and I have no direct control over the time it takes to complete those tasks.

And its not uncommon for me to add 5 - 10 items per day to the list. The items on the list can range from the very simple (like updating an address with a creditor) to very complex items that take months to complete (I often try to break these out in a series of tasks, but that's not always reasonable). So the list is never done. It's literally a living thing. This is what keeps me going.

The item that was so important to my wife was on my list back then. But at work we stayed so busy that I could not work on the list while I was at work. And that particular task had to be done at work. I remembered it needed to be done at least 3 - 5 times per day, but never would remember when I was in a position to actually do it. So she thought it wasn't important to me. In hindsight, if I had it to do over again, I'd of found a way, somehow to get it done. I'm not sure exactly how I'd of accomplished that but I would. I never meant to give my wife the impression that it wasn't important to me. It's just a flaw that is inherent in me and I tried to make her aware of that before we married.

After I got married, many of my dreams were incompatible with things my wife had expressed. I wanted to adjust them and blend them into her dreams, but I could never figure out what exactly it was that she dreamed. And I ended up stagnant and abandoned my list pretty early on. I should have never disrespected myself in that way. And now, looking back, I can't blame her for kicking my sorry butt out. I can't imagine how absolutely unattractive it must have been, being married to someone who was dead in the water. I think one of the things that she was attracted to was my ambitions.

But I can't keep disrespecting myself this way. So I got back on track this week. I started working on some old dreams and some new ones as well. My list really ballooned today to a total of 107 items. But because I have virtually no access to systems at work, I tried to help reps on the floor and between those interactions, I worked on my list. I'm so proud of myself because I managed to complete 55 items from the list. Of the 52 that remain, I started on 8 of them. Several of the items in the list are waiting on other people or events and/or cannot be started until some future date or time.

But none the less, I feel like I conquered the world today. I have people looking up to me. I already have people talking about wanting to go into business with me. I'm seeing more and more of the old Scott and I'm liking that. And being busy helps me to keep my mind off of other things that are going on right now. I'm sure my wife is experiencing some relief that I've not written or called or tried to get in touch with her. And I'm sure she needs that so she can be strong about moving on.

I'm absolutely looking forward to tomorrow. I found copies of the old list that I maintained before I stopped keeping a list. I will go through it and may integrate some of those items or variants into the new list. No doubt it will go up by a lot of items again tomorrow. I'm sure I will be able to knock a pretty good number out, but I doubt it will be anywhere near the 55 that I completed today. A lot of the items remaining simply will take time and so the quantity of items on the list is not necessarily an indicator of a lack of progress.

And afterwards tomorrow, I'll be going out to play pool and have drinks and do who knows what else afterwards. Saturday I'll be able to make my first ever live no limit texas hold'em game. I'm glad to be able to hold my head up high and respect myself. I just wish I'd of realized how bottom I had hit and done something about it before I hurt the people I cared about, namely my wife and her kids and my kids.

Dr. Smalley suggests that I should thank Tara for having the courage and taking the difficult steps to take such a drastic measure as to throw me out. At first I thought he was nuts, but I'm starting to think he's right. I doubt I'll ever get to tell her that, but none the less there seams to be some wisdom to what he says.