Progress Today

This afternoon was a very productive day for me. At my job, they have not yet been able to provide me with logins so I don't have access to a computer, e-mail or otherwise. I've been helping where I can, but what I can do is very limited since all of the work there is computer based.

I have an unusual memory where I can remember certain types of information and things I've read with amazing accuracy and detail for years and even decades to come. I could literally quote back paragraphs from important texts I've read 10 years ago and would do so with 90 - 95% of the original wording in tact and precise. So people assume I'm incredibly intelligent. I heard the phrases "smartest manager" and "he knows everything" and "if he doesn't know, no one will" at least a dozen times today (without exaggeration).

But I have a really hard time remembering certain other types of information such as things I need to do and places I need to go. In that regards, I could literally be told to do something every day and forget to do it 100 days in a row. This side of me can be really frustrating to others and you'd think I was mentally challenged. In fact, this was a thorn in my relationship because the very first thing that went wrong that I'm aware of was me legitimately forgetting to do something and my wife interpreted it as though I was avoiding doing it. I really had no objections whatsoever to doing what she was asking, I just struggled to remember to do it in a time and manner when I was actually able to get it done (I would be reminded and remember all the time when I was not in a position to actually do it).

So to counter this, at least to some degree, I keep a task list. In the past, it would not be uncommon for the list to have 50 - 70 items on it pretty steadily. It was typical for me to complete 5 - 10 per day and work on an additional 5 or so. Some of the items on the list are dependant on the completion of other items and simply cannot be started or done until another item is completed. Some other items on the list are future dated and cannot be started until some time in the future. Some other items can be started but then have to wait on someone else before they can be finished and I have no direct control over the time it takes to complete those tasks.

And its not uncommon for me to add 5 - 10 items per day to the list. The items on the list can range from the very simple (like updating an address with a creditor) to very complex items that take months to complete (I often try to break these out in a series of tasks, but that's not always reasonable). So the list is never done. It's literally a living thing. This is what keeps me going.

The item that was so important to my wife was on my list back then. But at work we stayed so busy that I could not work on the list while I was at work. And that particular task had to be done at work. I remembered it needed to be done at least 3 - 5 times per day, but never would remember when I was in a position to actually do it. So she thought it wasn't important to me. In hindsight, if I had it to do over again, I'd of found a way, somehow to get it done. I'm not sure exactly how I'd of accomplished that but I would. I never meant to give my wife the impression that it wasn't important to me. It's just a flaw that is inherent in me and I tried to make her aware of that before we married.

After I got married, many of my dreams were incompatible with things my wife had expressed. I wanted to adjust them and blend them into her dreams, but I could never figure out what exactly it was that she dreamed. And I ended up stagnant and abandoned my list pretty early on. I should have never disrespected myself in that way. And now, looking back, I can't blame her for kicking my sorry butt out. I can't imagine how absolutely unattractive it must have been, being married to someone who was dead in the water. I think one of the things that she was attracted to was my ambitions.

But I can't keep disrespecting myself this way. So I got back on track this week. I started working on some old dreams and some new ones as well. My list really ballooned today to a total of 107 items. But because I have virtually no access to systems at work, I tried to help reps on the floor and between those interactions, I worked on my list. I'm so proud of myself because I managed to complete 55 items from the list. Of the 52 that remain, I started on 8 of them. Several of the items in the list are waiting on other people or events and/or cannot be started until some future date or time.

But none the less, I feel like I conquered the world today. I have people looking up to me. I already have people talking about wanting to go into business with me. I'm seeing more and more of the old Scott and I'm liking that. And being busy helps me to keep my mind off of other things that are going on right now. I'm sure my wife is experiencing some relief that I've not written or called or tried to get in touch with her. And I'm sure she needs that so she can be strong about moving on.

I'm absolutely looking forward to tomorrow. I found copies of the old list that I maintained before I stopped keeping a list. I will go through it and may integrate some of those items or variants into the new list. No doubt it will go up by a lot of items again tomorrow. I'm sure I will be able to knock a pretty good number out, but I doubt it will be anywhere near the 55 that I completed today. A lot of the items remaining simply will take time and so the quantity of items on the list is not necessarily an indicator of a lack of progress.

And afterwards tomorrow, I'll be going out to play pool and have drinks and do who knows what else afterwards. Saturday I'll be able to make my first ever live no limit texas hold'em game. I'm glad to be able to hold my head up high and respect myself. I just wish I'd of realized how bottom I had hit and done something about it before I hurt the people I cared about, namely my wife and her kids and my kids.

Dr. Smalley suggests that I should thank Tara for having the courage and taking the difficult steps to take such a drastic measure as to throw me out. At first I thought he was nuts, but I'm starting to think he's right. I doubt I'll ever get to tell her that, but none the less there seams to be some wisdom to what he says.

Returned To Work

I recently handed over the a fair chunk of my remaining money to a couple of attorneys. I had really hoped that my wife, Tara Scott or Tara Lynn Scott or Tara Ray Scott or Tara Stelly or Tara Lynn Stelly or Tara Ray Stelly or Tara Ray or Tara Lynn Ray and I could have divorced without the use of attorneys. I am able to prepare the necessary documents myself and we needed only hash out the details of how we would divide property.

I had asked my wife several times to communicate with me for those purposes, but she refused. I let her know in one communication that because I was trying to start a business that we needed to settle the property issues quickly but that did not motivate her whatsoever to try to work with me to divide things.

This left me really resentful because she spent so much time trying to convince me that she would not cause problems like my prior wives had if things didn't work out. The example that she provided me was how easy she took it on her ex husband. But that simply turned out to be one big lie. In our only and original discussion to settle things, my wife demanded that I give her half of everything I had including monies and stocks that I had from before we were married. She also did not want to be responsible for my hospital bill despite the fact that I tried to refuse being brought to the ambulance and she insisted that I go. She threatened then that she would destroy me if I did not agree. We were never able to talk on settling property again after that.

So the lawyers have the money I had remaining on hand. I still need to get a few more Christmas gifts for the kids, but will have to transfer money from a non local account to do it. Its really ashamed. If I really want to be aggressive about it, when all is said and done, my wife would end up owing me at least a couple of thousands of dollars. Since she has a bankruptcy in her recent past, I could seek a judgment and then if she failed to pay I could seek to garnish her wages for it. I don't really see why I shouldn't be that aggressive. I warned her in the beginning when she was being aggressive with me and threatening me that I could be equally aggressive and that did not deter her. The truth is, I don't have the energy to fight anymore and will probably give in to whatever it takes to put this to rest.

I returned to work today. It was a very difficult thing to do. The day itself was difficult because my logins had not yet been setup and therefore I was left pretty much just sitting around with nothing to do. I had about 15 minutes of paperwork to do when I arrived and a meeting at 3 PM and another meeting at 5 PM. For the remainder of the day, I was incapable of doing anything and so the day seemed to last forever.

But worse yet was the fact that my wife and I met on that job. I had about 20 or so people ask me about her. They were all shocked to learn that we had split up. Many of them said that all they could remember is how happy we were when we were together. That left me tearing up and with a quivering lip several times.

Then later in the day, I passed by the desk where she sat when we first met. I could almost see her there like the first time I ever saw her. I remember that so fondly. She had one of the most beautiful smiles I had ever seen. And the day we first talked to each other, I knew then that I wanted to be with her for the rest of my life. I didn't think I would be with her because of the circumstances at that time. I couldn't have been more happy when those circumstances changed and she continued to talk with me and things progressed. But the point is, I knew the first time we ever spoke to each other that I wanted her.

Everything there at work served as a reminder for the great times we had. I went and visited the desk I sat at when she used to come visit with me. I remember the first table we sat at together in the cafeteria the first time we had lunch together on the job. I even remember our first date. We left together in my van and when I returned to drop her off at her car, we sat in the van talking for a little while. I remember what spot we sat in.

And so today I regret returning to work. I believe it will only make things more difficult for me. I called the counselor and setup another appointment. I'm not sure what to even tell her. I just wish the counselor could give me some magical formula to get over all of this because I just feel like I am dying slowly right now. It kills me that the woman I loved so much and whom I thought loved me doesn't care one bit how this is hurting me and I doubt she is hurting at all.