Sick Kid

I got up this morning and began preparing for church when my youngest son Timothy became ill. We ended up not making it to church this morning as a result. I missed seeing my brother in law and his baby though.

This morning while I spent time reading my daily devotionals, I realized that perhaps I was enjoying and partaking in my new found freedoms too much. In the past couple of weeks, I've gone out on several occasions with friends, coworkers and for poker games. None of these occasions did I become drunk, but I think it would be better for my testimony if I simply didn't drink at all. So I'm resolved today that next time I go out with friends or out for dinner with my female friend or to a poker game, I'll simply say "No Thanks" and order a water.

My diet is going very well. I own 3 belts, two work belts and one dress belt. They are each three consecutive sizes. I can no longer use the largest belt because when it is fastened to its tightest, I can pull it 2 - 3 inches away from my body (has plenty of slack in it). The second work belt is being worn on its last/tightest notch and is already getting to be loose. The dress belt is being worn on the 2nd to last notch (which is an improvement of 2 notches from before). It won't be long before I have to go buy a new smaller belt. I'm going to try to hold out on buying new clothes for as long as I can because I anticipate losing a lot more and will probably have to buy clothes several times along the way.

I spent the weekend working on business ideas. I'm ready to get started on several projects but am once again stumped on a name for the business. It is really ashamed that my wife is choosing to hold the business I formed 1 - 2 weeks before we separated hostage. It has a name and brand that I would love to use but Tara has refused to work towards a peaceful settlement on our property division and so I can't risk putting time and effort into a business that she could tear apart later in a bitter divorce.

Well, I just want to reiterate again how much I appreciate the comments and e-mails and support that everyone has shown. Today is already a record day. It's around 1 PM and we're already at over 100 different people visiting the site today. If you're stopping by, please browse around and leave some comments and let me know what you think. I welcome everything, the good, the bad and the ugly (just keep it PG). If you have a site or blog, consider adding a link to this blog and then click my profile and e-mail me and let me know you added a link. I'll return the favor.

I have a busy day planned. I will be writing for some other blogs and running errands for a bit. It's great to be alive again and following my dreams.

Celebration, Over The Hill, Chistmas Gifts and Poker

It was great last night to get out. I really enjoyed getting my mind off of things for a while. I had a few drinks and relaxed and just sort of soaked in my new found freedom. I spoke for a bit with my female friend from work. She has really shown me that I deserve more and better in life than what Tara could have ever given me. I guess I always knew this down inside, but was blinded by love and didn't want to believe it before. I had resigned myself to giving up my dreams to make my wife happy and that was such a poor thing for me to do. I should have respected myself first and foremost regardless of Tara's inability to dream or to be loved.

Today was an interesting day. My family always makes huge productions out of 30th, 40th and 50th birthdays. We throw huge over the hill parties and are always trying to get one up on each other. My brother's 30th birthday was in November 2006. I'm not sure why it took all the way until January 2007 to throw his party, but my family chose to do that today. He was told it was a birthday party for our cousin (who is celebrating her birthday next week) and when he showed up, he was surprised that he was being ambushed for his 30th birthday.

Some of the family members reminded me that they had gifts for my step children. I told them that Tara had not even allowed me to give my gifts to them and that I have not contacted or even attempted to communicate with Tara since I received her petition for the protective order on December 15th. Even though I won in court and her case was dismissed and I could attempt to contact her, I have not attempted to contact my wife since that time. My children keep asking to call but the last time they called (before December 15th), they left a voice message and Tara has not returned that call.

Tonight, I was invited to and played another poker game. This is only the second live poker game that I've played and I finished in 2nd place. I played well but was able to see my weaknesses again and know that I'll need a fair bit of work to improve my offline/live poker game. I really enjoyed playing again and was happy to see that I again out played several people who are regulars to these games and who are considered to be good at the game.

Well, I'm off to write for my other blogs for a bit before I go to bed.

Won My First Game

Well, I played my first live no limit texas hold'em game tonight.

I really enjoy No Limit Texas Hold'em. I've study the game at length and believe that with a bit of practice, I could be a very solid player. I'm not talking about a pipe dream of playing a few games and then being a pro. I have spent hundreds of hours studying the game and learning to calculate odds, etc. Far more effort probably than most people who "dream" of making it at poker will ever put in.

Before I got married, I told my wife about my dream of being a poker player. I told her how I had studied and how I probably would never be a champion but thought I could do good with local tournaments and an occassional casino game. I explained the risks and told her how I had turned $25 into hundreds of dollars playing online and how I consistently won and used statistical analysis software to track my hands and keep track of whether I was winning or losing. I explained to her how I would never risk a dime more than the $25 I had already put in and asked for her blessings and acceptance of this dream.

After we married, she took issue with my playing. It wasn't because she thought it was wrong to play, it was because it took away from time I could have been spending with her. I pretty much gave the game up right then and there with only an occasional and brief play after that. And she was right, I played the game way too much. I never resented giving up the online playing, but still wanted to make a poker night every once in a while. I kept getting invited to games but could never get freed up to go.

Recently however, a new law was enacted that makes it illegal for banks to transfer money to and from these online poker sites and so I have not played online since.

I went and played a live game tonight for the first time ever. I will need a good bit of practice to get good at it. Playing with live people is a lot different then playing online. But that said, I pretty much had a read on the other players within the first few hands and did very well. In fact I won the game. I am proud of myself since two of the players were very experienced. One of them hosts a 27 seat tournament once per month. The other one hosts a near weekly game.

I was really pleased to get the chance to get out and play. I can't wait to play again.

Last Night

I had an absolute blast last night. It's the first time I've gone out in a long time. I don't think my parents were too thrilled that I came back in after 4 AM.

My family and kids are headed to Shreveport today to do the Christmas thing with my Dad's family. I decided not to go because I don't feel like having to deal with everyone expressing their sympathy to me that I've lost yet another wife. Last time I went there, I was told that they were all hoping this marriage would work out better than my prior marriages.

When they were packing to go, Timothy asked me where their step brother's gifts were at. I told him that I had put them in storage because it will probably be a long time before I get to give them to him. He didn't ask any other questions about it which was good for me because I'm having a hard time making excuses for why things are the way they are. Scott got real quiet after that and sort of withdrew. I hate seeing my kids like this. I've been debating on whether or not I should put him into counseling because he seams to be taking this the hardest. When Job went say hi to Tara Lynn Ray or Tara Ray or Tara Lynn Stelly or Tara Ray Stelly or Tara Stelly or Tara Lynn Scott or Tara Ray Scott or Tara Scott at church, I told Scott it was okay for him to go but he said he didn't want to. I think he's kinda mad because he was told that he could call and talk to his step brother and play Star Wars with him but he's not been able to.

My diet is also off to a good start. I'm now only 30 pounds away from sky diving and 115 pounds away from my goal (that's down from 35 and 120 when I started). I can't wait to get myself in better shape than I am today. I have a long ways to go but I'm already starting to feel like I can take on the world.

I'm really looking forward to the no limit texas hold'em poker game this evening. That's something I've wanted to do for a long time. In the mean time, I'll go work on the new blog I started. I have a lot of things to post there.

Missing The Step-Kids

Monday night really marked a turning point for me and I've had such an incredible week since then. I can't remember any time in my past where I've been more excited about what the future holds than I am right now. I really enjoyed last night and I've been invited to go shoot pool and have drinks with my former reps on Friday. I have also been invited to a no limit texas hold'em poker game on Saturday. I have been wanting to get involved in those games for a long time and have been unable to so I'm excited to finally have the chance.

So this week has been great so far, but I'm a little down today. I need to go put my step children's Christmas gifts from me into storage. I contemplated returning them for refunds but just can't bring myself to do it. I feel like I would be taking away from the children even though I know that I'm unlikely to be able to give the gifts to them anytime soon. I keep having these visions of having to wait until they are 18 and then giving them the gifts and letting them know that I have been waiting 10 years to give the gifts to them and to tell them that I miss them and love them.

I think about my step-children a lot. I wonder how they are enjoying their time out of school. I wonder what gifts they got for Christmas. I wonder if my youngest step child ever learned his ABC's. I wonder if they ever ask about me or my children.

I was remembering earlier in my relationship with Tara when I would be outside and the kids would tackle me and drag me to the ground and jump on me. Sometimes it would be six kids tackling me and dragging me to the ground and climbing on me and jumping on me. They would laugh and laugh and laugh and finally back off and let me get up just so they could do it again. I know a picture exists of the children piled on top of me but I cannot find it in the pictures I have. I would ask Tara or her family to send me a copy of that picture, but I doubt they'd even take my call at this point.

After I place the gifts in storage, I need to put my name on the waiting lists for more apartments. So far every place I've applied for in Lafayette and surrounding areas is telling me that there is a 3 to 6 month waiting list. I don't have a place to stay that long while I'm waiting. I've already had to spend a few nights in hotels. I found a house in Krotz Springs that I can rent and is ready for me to move into right away. I was trying to avoid that because I was afraid that Tara and her family would misinterpret my actions and think I was moving there to annoy her, but if something doesn't open up in Lafayette soon, I may not have a choice.

I'm worried however that this will just make it harder on my kids. How do I explain to them that we are just a few blocks from their step-brothers and their step-mother and their Mawmaw Rose and Pawpaw Danny but that they can't go see them. I am having a hard enough time explaining why they can't even call and talk to their step-brothers after they were told they could. I accept that Tara ss angry at me and I deserve that but I just cannot comprehend how or why people can just turn their backs on children. I'm doing a lot better now and my future looks better than it has in a long time, but getting my children to focus on good things ahead instead of on why they can't talk to or see their step-brothers has eluded me. Job keeps asking when he can mail his letter to Ms. Tara. I'm not sure what to tell him anymore.

So while I have a lot positive to do today and a lot to look forward to, I'm not as euphoric as I had been for the last two days. I guess once I make myself busy with tasks on my list and start pursuing my dreams again it'll keep my mind off of my step children and my day will go okay.