Woke Up Dead

I woke up dead this morning as I knew I would.

My children asked this morning if they would get to see their step-brothers and bring their Christmas gifts. I broke down and cried in front of my sons and was unable to answer. I could tell by my oldest son's expression that he knew he would likely never see or speak to his step-brother's again.

I saw my wife, Tara Scott or Tara Lynn Scott or Tara Ray Scott or Tara Stelly or Tara Lynn Stelly or Tara Ray Stelly or Tara Ray or Tara Lynn Ray in church this morning. She was absolutely stunning as she always is. Once again I wished so much that I could tell her how beautiful she looked. I used to send her text messages all the time that said that. I could send her one now since there is no restraining order, but I won't. I know she won't understand or even appreciate that I am trying to show her the respect that she refuses to show me.

And even now that I am dead, I died more today in church. I tried my best to keep my composure and not break down but I cried several times throughout service. I tried to focus in on worshiping God and forgetting about my wife, but the harder I tried, the more I cried.

And what could she possibly be thinking? Probably that I'm a big wimp. Crying like a baby. She won't understand why I don't just forget about her and move on. And I don't expect she ever will. I don't suspect she will even care. I wonder where I could have been so wrong in the things that I believed about her. I imagine that she probably sits there and chuckles and is glad that she has hurt me so and that she continues to hurt me.

So the biggest injury I sustain today is seeing my beautiful wife there in church and not even being able to tell her Merry Christmas or mail to her a Christmas card. I know that I can, legally anyway. But as I said before, even though she won't appreciate it, I'm choosing to show her the respect that she refuses to show to me.

And I feel like I've hurt my own children the most. Against my better judgment I mixed them with other kids they absolutely came to view as their own brothers. They accepted my wife and her family as their own. She doesn't even ask how they are doing. She appears in church and won't even walk over and say high to the children. She'll ask superficially if one of them approach her. I used to wonder if she thought about the kids or missed them, but instead I'm left wondering if she ever cared about them to begin with. I'm also surprised that her family has not so much as asked how the kids are doing or sent a Christmas card or otherwise. I suppose it was unrealistic for me to believe that my children mattered to anyone.

After church I had to kneel before my kids and hug them and told them I was sorry that I ran off another woman that they loved. I just hugged them tight and cried for a while. I wish they didn't see me this way, but I just can't hold it together.

And so I'm lost for words to describe how I feel. I am beyond dead. The best I can think of is decaying. What was left of me now decomposes and the few signs that ever there was life continue to fade.

Emotions: Perhaps Today Is A Good Day To Die

I sit here today, slowly dying. My identity, my soul, my heart and all that I am.

These holidays will be perhaps the worst I have ever sustained. To not be able to hear the words Merry Christmas or mail a card to the person I love is an injury I cannot describe. Legally, I could mail the card if I choose, but I will instead show the respect that I have been denied. I doubt it will be understood, realized, or appreciated, but I will none the less.

I ask myself why things are the way they are? Things could have gone so differently. Had I just been asked, just been treated with respect, I would have given just about anything, done just about anything.

And I was too much a coward to sit back and wait for the truce. Instead I fired back and destroyed any hope that might have remained. And so today, I am destroyed by my own weapons.

No doubt, a body, a blob of flesh will awaken tomorrow and breath and walk and be alive by all definitions, but I will be no longer.

Emotions: Difficult Today

Today was a very difficult day overall. It seemed that everything I did and everywhere I looked reminded me of my wife whom I love so much and served as a reminder that I've lost her.

It started when I got up and brought my children with me to attend a Christmas musical being hosted by our local church. My wife's sister returned the check that I sent with her to my wife as a voluntary offering of support. That was the check that set in motion a string of events which eventually led to the request for a protective order that my wife filed. Just getting the check back caused an emotional reaction in me.

The Christmas musical itself left me in tears. It was comical and upbeat and I was probably the only person crying in the entire audience. My children and the people sitting next to me stared at me through the entire thing as tears poured down my face.

The theme of the music was families being together for Christmas. Of course my family will not be together. I will be separate from my wife and step-kids. After I returned home, I began to think. Now that there is a restraining order in place and I cannot even call or mail her a card and wish her a merry Christmas. Worse yet, I have gifts for her kids and my children want to call and talk to hers and I cannot even allow them to do that now. My middle son wrote a letter and was about to mail it to my wife on the same day that I received the restraining order. Now I can't allow him to send it.

After the musical, I was really feeling down and depressed and it occurred to me that this felt more like a death in the family than a relationship coming to an end. It feels like the death of a spouse and two children or at least what I could imagine that to feel like. See, I've been through two divorces before and ended relationships and none of them have affected me the way that this one has. I'm not sure why this is so different than the others. I really miss my wife and her two children. The fact that I can't even speak to them or pass by and visit is slowly killing me.

Later in the day, I was online chatting with a female friend who is also getting over a breakup and she invited me to the park to walk with her and to allow our children to play together. We walked in the park and talked a bit and then went on to eat at an Italian buffet. I accompanied her grocery shopping after that. The children seemed really enjoyed playing together. My children are really having a hard time with the loss of their step brothers and mother and I think this provided a much needed distraction for them.

After we left, my oldest son peppered me with questions about relationships and my marriage. I wonder what he was thinking but found clues when he began asking about my female friend and her son. I've been through two divorces with my children and I think he was wondering if my female friend would be my next relationship. I explained to him that sometimes adults just need friends to talk to and share experiences with and tried to explain to him that I was still married to my wife and still loved my wife and that I was not at a point in life were I would be looking for another woman to be in love with. I tried to explain it in a way that I felt he could understand.

I have found a lot of strength in my female friend. She is very determined to win her ex boyfriend back. In the process, she is losing weight and getting herself in shape. She's very bold and determined in her desires. And she encourages me in the same ways. She insists that I need to get out and exercise and get in shape and lose some weight. And I'm sure she is absolutely right about me needing to get in shape and focus on becoming happy with myself, but I fear that accomplishing that will not in turn cause me wife to be interested in me again. I mean at this point, I can't even speak with my wife or write her a letter.

Of course I had points at the park where I had to hold back my feelings. It was difficult, but I think I managed to not show the difficulties I was going through. See, when my wife and I dated, we used to take our children to the same park together to play. The children (both mine and hers) really liked that. So being in the park was a reminder to me again of how much I loved my wife and how much I missed her.