Sick Kid

I got up this morning and began preparing for church when my youngest son Timothy became ill. We ended up not making it to church this morning as a result. I missed seeing my brother in law and his baby though.

This morning while I spent time reading my daily devotionals, I realized that perhaps I was enjoying and partaking in my new found freedoms too much. In the past couple of weeks, I've gone out on several occasions with friends, coworkers and for poker games. None of these occasions did I become drunk, but I think it would be better for my testimony if I simply didn't drink at all. So I'm resolved today that next time I go out with friends or out for dinner with my female friend or to a poker game, I'll simply say "No Thanks" and order a water.

My diet is going very well. I own 3 belts, two work belts and one dress belt. They are each three consecutive sizes. I can no longer use the largest belt because when it is fastened to its tightest, I can pull it 2 - 3 inches away from my body (has plenty of slack in it). The second work belt is being worn on its last/tightest notch and is already getting to be loose. The dress belt is being worn on the 2nd to last notch (which is an improvement of 2 notches from before). It won't be long before I have to go buy a new smaller belt. I'm going to try to hold out on buying new clothes for as long as I can because I anticipate losing a lot more and will probably have to buy clothes several times along the way.

I spent the weekend working on business ideas. I'm ready to get started on several projects but am once again stumped on a name for the business. It is really ashamed that my wife is choosing to hold the business I formed 1 - 2 weeks before we separated hostage. It has a name and brand that I would love to use but Tara has refused to work towards a peaceful settlement on our property division and so I can't risk putting time and effort into a business that she could tear apart later in a bitter divorce.

Well, I just want to reiterate again how much I appreciate the comments and e-mails and support that everyone has shown. Today is already a record day. It's around 1 PM and we're already at over 100 different people visiting the site today. If you're stopping by, please browse around and leave some comments and let me know what you think. I welcome everything, the good, the bad and the ugly (just keep it PG). If you have a site or blog, consider adding a link to this blog and then click my profile and e-mail me and let me know you added a link. I'll return the favor.

I have a busy day planned. I will be writing for some other blogs and running errands for a bit. It's great to be alive again and following my dreams.

Celebration, Over The Hill, Chistmas Gifts and Poker

It was great last night to get out. I really enjoyed getting my mind off of things for a while. I had a few drinks and relaxed and just sort of soaked in my new found freedom. I spoke for a bit with my female friend from work. She has really shown me that I deserve more and better in life than what Tara could have ever given me. I guess I always knew this down inside, but was blinded by love and didn't want to believe it before. I had resigned myself to giving up my dreams to make my wife happy and that was such a poor thing for me to do. I should have respected myself first and foremost regardless of Tara's inability to dream or to be loved.

Today was an interesting day. My family always makes huge productions out of 30th, 40th and 50th birthdays. We throw huge over the hill parties and are always trying to get one up on each other. My brother's 30th birthday was in November 2006. I'm not sure why it took all the way until January 2007 to throw his party, but my family chose to do that today. He was told it was a birthday party for our cousin (who is celebrating her birthday next week) and when he showed up, he was surprised that he was being ambushed for his 30th birthday.

Some of the family members reminded me that they had gifts for my step children. I told them that Tara had not even allowed me to give my gifts to them and that I have not contacted or even attempted to communicate with Tara since I received her petition for the protective order on December 15th. Even though I won in court and her case was dismissed and I could attempt to contact her, I have not attempted to contact my wife since that time. My children keep asking to call but the last time they called (before December 15th), they left a voice message and Tara has not returned that call.

Tonight, I was invited to and played another poker game. This is only the second live poker game that I've played and I finished in 2nd place. I played well but was able to see my weaknesses again and know that I'll need a fair bit of work to improve my offline/live poker game. I really enjoyed playing again and was happy to see that I again out played several people who are regulars to these games and who are considered to be good at the game.

Well, I'm off to write for my other blogs for a bit before I go to bed.

New Year Resolutions 2007 - BIG!

This is the time of year when people create lists of New Year Resolutions. I suppose its obligatory that anyone who has a personal blog should post that list online. I've never been a big fan of New Year Resolutions. Usually these are just lists that people create so they can forget about them even faster than they created them.

I'm absolutely surprised as to how many people are visiting this site and following my story. Over the last few days, I've had over 50 unique people visit this blog each day. I could never have imagined that anyone would be so interested in my story and what I'm going through. I appreciate the comments and e-mails that you've been sending and encouraging me. To those of you going through similar things, I would encourage you to stay strong and not to lose hope.

Since I'm not a fan of New Year Resolutions, I debated not posting at all, but since you've taken the time to be interested in my life, I feel like I'd be letting you down if I didn't. Instead of New Year Resolutions, I'm going to call my list "New Year Dreams, Goals and Prayers." As many of you know, starting a week or two ago, I really refocused my life and started working towards my goals again. So I already have a head start. But I'll provide an abbreviated list here.

New Year Dreams, Goals and Prayers

Personal

• To continue to seek God and to strengthen my walk with Him. In the last few weeks, I've really been learning to rely on Him and wait on His timing instead of trying to make things happen when I want them to. This has been a difficult lesson for me and I pray that He will continue to strengthen me in this area.



• To be a better father to my children. Namely, I need to spend more time with them and more regularly.



• To continue to improve myself overall. I've grown so much in the past month through counseling and coaching and through books, seminars and programs. But the more I grow, the more I realize I have a lot more to change about myself. I'm so encouraged that others are seeing these changes in me already without me even having to tell them. I pray that I continue down this path and that my testimony continues to grow.

Career

• To be more organized and more effective as a manager at my employer which I just returned to. I used to have teams that really spoke highly of me and appreciated me as a manager and as their boss. I pray that this will be increased even more in the upcoming year.



• To refocus myself on my education. My Political Science, Pre-Law studies are half complete, but I still have a long ways to go. Additionally, I need to refocus myself on continuing to accumulate the credits necessary to qualify as a Certified Public Accountant once I finish my bachelors degree.



• To launch a new business this year. I have some ideas that I believe will be successful. In fact given 2 to 3 years, I'm confident I can outdo my last highly successful business. I pray that I'll find a new name in a reasonable amount of time or that the hostilities between my wife and I will pass so that I can safely utilize the business I formed in 2006 just before we separated.



• To continue learning Spanish and to be able to carry a conversation in Spanish by the end of the year. Last night (notice I didn't say yesterday night, that's an inside joke with my wife but I doubt she'll see this) I was around people speaking Spanish and I actually understood about 1/3rd of everything I heard. This surprised me and motivated me to continue my learning.

Health

• To continue losing weight and getting in shape. My goal is to reach 165 pounds. I have about 115 pounds to go which is an aggressive goal. It's time for me to go through a total body reformation for my health and appearance.

Recreation

• To enroll in and complete a motorcycle rider's course, to get my endorsement and to purchase a motorcycle for recreational riding.



• To return to Pensacola Beach this year and to go para sailing again. I also want to take the helicopter ride while I am out there which will mark my first time in a helicopter.



• To go for my first sky dive after I lose about 30 pounds. Then to continue jumping until I have accumulated enough jumps and training to go by myself. My goal is to accomplish this before the end of the year.



• To participate regularly in local no limit texas hold'em poker games and at least 3 Louisiana Casino based tournaments.



• To restart my private pilot training lessons and to complete my private pilot license this year.



• To schedule a cruise to be taken in 2007 or 2008. I've been wanting to go on a cruise for a long time but have not had the chance to. I want to be sure to take a Caribbean Cruise with several ports/stops and I want go swimming with dolphins.



• To enroll in and take Cajun Dancing lessons, something I've been wanting to do for some time.



• To begin planning for an international trip for 2008. Some possible choice locations are Costa Rica, Italy, London or any other of a wide variety of places I would like to see. My goal would be to continue this and to take an additional international vacation every other year.

Relationships

• To not react at all to my wife since I keep hurting her every time I react to her rejection of me. I want to achieve peace in our separation and ultimately our divorce so that neither one of us has to endure any more pain than we already have.



• I pray that I would regain my friend. I call this one a prayer because I know there is nothing I can do in my power to make this happen. I have acted in such a deplorable manner that she is justified in never wanting to talk to me again. I pray that God would release her from the bad memories and hurt and pain and that in His timing we would be able to share at least a basic friendship.

I have several other Dreams, Goals and Prayers that I will not publish here at this time. I know these things seem ambitious and probably a lot to accomplish, but for anyone who actually knows me, they know that once I resolve my mind to do something, the chances of me accomplishing it are actually quite high.

When my wife and I were dating, she used to tell me that I took on way too much. In my past, I've accomplished and done so much that when I tell the stories, many people didn't believe I could possibly be telling the truth, especially when I was younger (now that I'm older its not so hard to imagine that I could have had all of those experiences in life).

I'm expecting truly BIG things for 2007 and am glad that I've already started down the path a few weeks ago which proves to me that this is not a fleeting list of resolutions that will be forgotten before the end of the week.

Won My First Game

Well, I played my first live no limit texas hold'em game tonight.

I really enjoy No Limit Texas Hold'em. I've study the game at length and believe that with a bit of practice, I could be a very solid player. I'm not talking about a pipe dream of playing a few games and then being a pro. I have spent hundreds of hours studying the game and learning to calculate odds, etc. Far more effort probably than most people who "dream" of making it at poker will ever put in.

Before I got married, I told my wife about my dream of being a poker player. I told her how I had studied and how I probably would never be a champion but thought I could do good with local tournaments and an occassional casino game. I explained the risks and told her how I had turned $25 into hundreds of dollars playing online and how I consistently won and used statistical analysis software to track my hands and keep track of whether I was winning or losing. I explained to her how I would never risk a dime more than the $25 I had already put in and asked for her blessings and acceptance of this dream.

After we married, she took issue with my playing. It wasn't because she thought it was wrong to play, it was because it took away from time I could have been spending with her. I pretty much gave the game up right then and there with only an occasional and brief play after that. And she was right, I played the game way too much. I never resented giving up the online playing, but still wanted to make a poker night every once in a while. I kept getting invited to games but could never get freed up to go.

Recently however, a new law was enacted that makes it illegal for banks to transfer money to and from these online poker sites and so I have not played online since.

I went and played a live game tonight for the first time ever. I will need a good bit of practice to get good at it. Playing with live people is a lot different then playing online. But that said, I pretty much had a read on the other players within the first few hands and did very well. In fact I won the game. I am proud of myself since two of the players were very experienced. One of them hosts a 27 seat tournament once per month. The other one hosts a near weekly game.

I was really pleased to get the chance to get out and play. I can't wait to play again.

Progress Today

This afternoon was a very productive day for me. At my job, they have not yet been able to provide me with logins so I don't have access to a computer, e-mail or otherwise. I've been helping where I can, but what I can do is very limited since all of the work there is computer based.

I have an unusual memory where I can remember certain types of information and things I've read with amazing accuracy and detail for years and even decades to come. I could literally quote back paragraphs from important texts I've read 10 years ago and would do so with 90 - 95% of the original wording in tact and precise. So people assume I'm incredibly intelligent. I heard the phrases "smartest manager" and "he knows everything" and "if he doesn't know, no one will" at least a dozen times today (without exaggeration).

But I have a really hard time remembering certain other types of information such as things I need to do and places I need to go. In that regards, I could literally be told to do something every day and forget to do it 100 days in a row. This side of me can be really frustrating to others and you'd think I was mentally challenged. In fact, this was a thorn in my relationship because the very first thing that went wrong that I'm aware of was me legitimately forgetting to do something and my wife interpreted it as though I was avoiding doing it. I really had no objections whatsoever to doing what she was asking, I just struggled to remember to do it in a time and manner when I was actually able to get it done (I would be reminded and remember all the time when I was not in a position to actually do it).

So to counter this, at least to some degree, I keep a task list. In the past, it would not be uncommon for the list to have 50 - 70 items on it pretty steadily. It was typical for me to complete 5 - 10 per day and work on an additional 5 or so. Some of the items on the list are dependant on the completion of other items and simply cannot be started or done until another item is completed. Some other items on the list are future dated and cannot be started until some time in the future. Some other items can be started but then have to wait on someone else before they can be finished and I have no direct control over the time it takes to complete those tasks.

And its not uncommon for me to add 5 - 10 items per day to the list. The items on the list can range from the very simple (like updating an address with a creditor) to very complex items that take months to complete (I often try to break these out in a series of tasks, but that's not always reasonable). So the list is never done. It's literally a living thing. This is what keeps me going.

The item that was so important to my wife was on my list back then. But at work we stayed so busy that I could not work on the list while I was at work. And that particular task had to be done at work. I remembered it needed to be done at least 3 - 5 times per day, but never would remember when I was in a position to actually do it. So she thought it wasn't important to me. In hindsight, if I had it to do over again, I'd of found a way, somehow to get it done. I'm not sure exactly how I'd of accomplished that but I would. I never meant to give my wife the impression that it wasn't important to me. It's just a flaw that is inherent in me and I tried to make her aware of that before we married.

After I got married, many of my dreams were incompatible with things my wife had expressed. I wanted to adjust them and blend them into her dreams, but I could never figure out what exactly it was that she dreamed. And I ended up stagnant and abandoned my list pretty early on. I should have never disrespected myself in that way. And now, looking back, I can't blame her for kicking my sorry butt out. I can't imagine how absolutely unattractive it must have been, being married to someone who was dead in the water. I think one of the things that she was attracted to was my ambitions.

But I can't keep disrespecting myself this way. So I got back on track this week. I started working on some old dreams and some new ones as well. My list really ballooned today to a total of 107 items. But because I have virtually no access to systems at work, I tried to help reps on the floor and between those interactions, I worked on my list. I'm so proud of myself because I managed to complete 55 items from the list. Of the 52 that remain, I started on 8 of them. Several of the items in the list are waiting on other people or events and/or cannot be started until some future date or time.

But none the less, I feel like I conquered the world today. I have people looking up to me. I already have people talking about wanting to go into business with me. I'm seeing more and more of the old Scott and I'm liking that. And being busy helps me to keep my mind off of other things that are going on right now. I'm sure my wife is experiencing some relief that I've not written or called or tried to get in touch with her. And I'm sure she needs that so she can be strong about moving on.

I'm absolutely looking forward to tomorrow. I found copies of the old list that I maintained before I stopped keeping a list. I will go through it and may integrate some of those items or variants into the new list. No doubt it will go up by a lot of items again tomorrow. I'm sure I will be able to knock a pretty good number out, but I doubt it will be anywhere near the 55 that I completed today. A lot of the items remaining simply will take time and so the quantity of items on the list is not necessarily an indicator of a lack of progress.

And afterwards tomorrow, I'll be going out to play pool and have drinks and do who knows what else afterwards. Saturday I'll be able to make my first ever live no limit texas hold'em game. I'm glad to be able to hold my head up high and respect myself. I just wish I'd of realized how bottom I had hit and done something about it before I hurt the people I cared about, namely my wife and her kids and my kids.

Dr. Smalley suggests that I should thank Tara for having the courage and taking the difficult steps to take such a drastic measure as to throw me out. At first I thought he was nuts, but I'm starting to think he's right. I doubt I'll ever get to tell her that, but none the less there seams to be some wisdom to what he says.

Alive Again

Last night, I did quite a bit of thinking. In fact once my wheels got turning, I barely slept and was early to rise again this morning. I felt alive in a way last night that I've not felt in a long time. In fact, I've not felt this way in quite a while.

I used to keep a list of things that I needed to do. Many of them were small single tasks that I needed to complete such as updating an address with a particular firm or completing a piece of paperwork. Others were items that needed to be completed in a chain of events to accomplish some larger goal. This list had always kept me on task and kept me headed towards my ambitions. It was not uncommon for the list to be 100 or more items long in the past. And each day, I would work on it. Some days I might only complete 2 or 3 items on the list. Other days I might complete 10 or 15. And every day new items go on the list. In fact many times completing an item meant that the next step towards the larger goal needed to be added to the list.

So why is this significant? Because for the first time in at least a year, I was able to dream big again. Suddenly my desire to finish school and apply to law school is on the radar screen again. The hopes of starting a business is on the horizon. Finishing my private pilot's license is suddenly something I can see myself doing this year. And today I began searching property listings and ads. This one might be a bit further off, but I am looking to have purchased a house before I start law school.

I also made a commitment to myself to get serious and determined on my diet and health. My chest pains over the holidays really scared me and I realized that had it been something severe I would have been all alone in the hospital. I don't want that. So my ultimate goal is to weigh 165. That's a long ways off. I need to lose almost 120 pounds to get there, but for the first time in a while I have absolutely no doubts that I will make it. And to give me an intermediate goal, I want to go sky diving and need to lose just under 35 pounds to get there. I can't wait until I can go for my first sky dive. No doubt, many more will follow after that.

Work went a lot better today to. I walked in glowing and smiling big and full of energy. Several people around me noticed the difference and made comments. Many of them haven't seen me smiling this way in a long time. And tomorrow night, several of my former reps are taking me out for dinner and drinks. I'm looking forward to this welcomed distraction from all that is going on. This will be the first time that I've gone out for my own benefit in quite a while.

I really felt alive today. Its been a long time since I've felt that way. The only regrets that I had today are that I'm really missing my step-children and my children are struggling with the same.

I am actually looking forward to tomorrow. I can't wait to continue working on the list and see what gets added to it tomorrow. It feels great to be alive again!