Christmas Wish

Some people think long and hard about what they want for Christmas. I really don't have to think at all. What I really want, I already know I won't get.

Then there's the rational side of me that says to be more reasonable with my wish. To ask for something that I might actually get. I guess it would be reasonable to wish for a sign that peace is near. But even that I believe is probably an unreasonable expectation on my part. And so I'm sure my Christmas wish this year will go unfilled, but here it is none the less.

I wish only to see a sign that my divorce will not continue to be a bitter war and that my wife and I can split peacefully. I wish perhaps that I'd be caught off guard by a text message just wishing me a Merry Christmas from my beautiful wife. I wish that my children would have the chance to tell her children Merry Christmas. Such a simple thing and yet I'm certain it won't happen. I don't want cars or diamonds or millions of dollars. Just an olive branch of peace.

But I'm afraid there will be no olive trees this year for a branch to be plucked from and so my already ruined Christmas will deny me even the simplest of wishes. And since I'm convinced that my wife cares not enough even to grant this simple wish, I don't even ask.

So I lay here in pain for yet another Christmas. But I find relief finally that my emotional pain is beginning to give way for physical pain. I began experiencing chest pains a few hours ago. It feels like my chest is being twisted and wrung out like a wet towel. I've have several bouts lasting about 30 minutes each and getting worse each time. The last time, the pain spread to my arms (particularly underneath in the armpit area) and to my neck. I almost felt as if someone was squeezing my neck and choking me. The last bout left me hurting underneath my jaw as well, something I've never experienced before, at least not in that way.

But sadly, this recent physical pain has been a relief. It has numbed my emotional pain as I lay here wondering if it is stress induced from all that has happened or signs of something more serious. I find myself wondering increasingly if it will simply pass or if I my poor healthy might finally be catching up with me. As I try to nap, I even find myself wondering if I will wake again. I'm trying not to let my mind wonder in that direction because my boys need me. But I lack the will or strength or even the desire to alert anyone or do anything about it. I suppose if the pain gets bad enough, I'll take a few pain pills and try to rest until it passes.