A Little Hint of Sunshine

It looks like my emotions are slowly swinging back to the better end.

I got on the scale yesterday and was very surprised at the results. I am now 19 pounds away from sky diving. The pounds are literally falling off of me. It's actually looking like I will meet the weight target sooner than I anticipated and so I will end up having to wait for the weather to warm up before I can actually go sky diving.

I met with my attorney yesterday and talked with another attorney I use sometimes and got what I believe is really good news. I don't want to discuss it here because I don't want to chance Tara finding out and reacting to it because she is likely to misinterpret my intentions again.

I would have described my day as going great except to say that when I went to the pharmacy later in the day and saw all of the valentines stuff out, I broke down in the middle of the store. No matter how hard I try and how much I get mad at her for what she has done to me and my children, I simply cannot turn off my feelings for her. I have no doubt that she has simply turned off her feelings for me, if she ever had any, but I don't find it so easy for me to do that.

And that comes in part from her anger and hostilities towards me because she chooses to misinterpret much of what I do. I think it is beyond her comprehension at current to realize that I do actually care and that I can be reasonable. I think she doesn't believe that it does really matter to me if things I am doing bother her but that she's too bitter and angry to express her concerns to me or give me a chance to show that I'm sincere.

So I continue to pray and I hope and believe that tomorrow will bring an even better day. My friends are taking me out to shoot pool Friday night. I've told them that I would enjoy going but will refrain from drinking. My birthday is this weekend. It will be a very sad day for me because my wife won't be there to share it with me. I would have hoped that my wife would have reached the point where she could have sent me a text message or an e-mail or a card that just said Happy Birthday, but I would suggest that there is practically 0% chance of that happening.

Tara didn't even have the decency to send my children a Christmas card or let her children call them and say Merry Christmas, so why would I even think there's a chance she would mention my birthday to me. I really have a hard time understand why she has insisted on dragging our children through the hostilities that she has towards me. But as someone mentioned and I've realized, I could go insane trying to figure her out, so I'm trying to not think about those things. It just hurts me to see what my kids are going through and I really miss my step-kids.

At least for my birthday, my dear friend at work was talking about doing something to make it a special day for me. It's good that I have some friends around me. I don't think I could make it though this if I didn't. I just wish I had a friend that I could talk with the way that I used to talk with my wife. I'm sure it'll come in time.

Emotional Roller Coaster

As anyone following the comments can tell, today was a very difficult day for me. As I described early in my blog, my emotions have had a tendency to vascillate. They go back and forth. For the last week or two, I was on top of the world, even celebrating being served divorce papers. For the last couple of days, I'm missing my step children and wishing I could find peace with my wife and feeling absolutely hopeless.

There have been a lot of critical comments as of late and I really appreciate that. It has given me a lot to reflect on and think about. The only problem is I find myself literally going insane trying to figure out if anyone has correctly guessed my wife's feelings or whether they are simply off the mark. I really wish I knew because if I was hurting my wife, that would matter to me. Of course I would expect it to matter to her that she is hurting me and my children as well. But I won't and can't know that and its time I stop trying to guess it.

I'm going to spend some time working on my other blogs. I'm not sure when my next post will come (could be hours or days or as long as is needed). Again, thank you to everyone who has posted comments and e-mailed me encouragement and even to those who have been critical. I really appreciate your concern with my situation.

Apologies

I want to apologize to everyone for the amount of emotion that I've shown in the last few replies that I made in an earlier message which has been an area of hot debate. I thought I was doing a lot better in not being reactive, and I certainly restrained myself a lot longer and better than I had previously, but I've also learned that I have more to work on.

I do plan some in depth responses at a later time when I am not so emotional about it. I do want to offer some responses in brief to some key points here. Some of this is harsh, but if I continue to hold in, I am likely to self destruct and that will cause more harm than expressing myself here. This is likely to be long because there were so many topics broached in that discussion:

1. Anonymous suggested that it was not fair for me to expect Tara to make a promise to stand by me while I was sick.
   
   Response: This is a rediculously selfish assertion. Marriage is supposed to be through sickness and in health. Tara already made that promise BEFORE our problems began.
   
   Additionally, I stood by Tara as she grieved the birthday and death date of a child she lost a few years earlier. It was very difficult for me to watch Tara hurt so much, but I NEVER would have thought of leaving her for the "exhaustion" I was feeling at that point. I stood by Tara as her ex-husband threatened her and left her in tears regularly. That was more of a strain on me than I could ever express. I stood by Tara when her ex-husband, Chad William Stelly (Sr) was arrested for soliciting sex from a minor online and she was so angry and mad at him. I stood by Tara when her ex-husband became ill and regularly took her to the emergency room where I sat in a waiting room for hours with her, day after day while she worried that he would not be there for her children in the future. I walked into a waiting room once to see her cradling his head to my chest and despite how much it hurt to see her giving him affection that she would deny to me, I stood by her side. The thought of leaving her because of the stress and exhuastion I was feeling over these things NEVER entered my mind.
   
   
2. Anonymous asserts that depression tends to hurt the ones that you love most.
   
   Response: No doubt the ones closest to us will see our depression most and be affected by it but EVERY article I have found so far has stressed how important it is for those people to be supportive, exactly the opposite of what Anonymous asserts here. This is the time when I needed her most.
   
   
3. Anonymous asserts that Tara had become overwhelmed by my depression.
   
   Response: No doubt this is true and I'm sure at that time Tara did not know how to respond. We cannot undo what has been done. I forgive her for that though just the same as I have asked her to forgive me for what I have put her through. However, today is here and now. I am not asking Tara to carry my burdens. I think the reason I am so outspoken about everything and so open is because I was so abruptly cut off. I have been given no window in and so all I can do is look out of a window, and this is my window.
   
   
4. Anonymous asks who was left for Tara to lean on.
   
   Response: I think if Tara had just tried leaning on me she would have found my problems set aside to deal with hers. Even in the midst of my depression, I stayed so worried about her well being. Much of my time feeling helpless and hopeless is because I saw how she was struggling and felt like I was the cause and she wouldn't let me close enough to her to understand it. We were also seeing a counselor. There were all sorts of avenues for her to turn to other than her ex-husband where she ultimately turned.
   
   
5. Anonymous suggested that perhaps Tara is unable to communicate with me because she is drained.
   
   Response: That may have been true at the start, but I think time has helped. I think the stresses of the hostilities and resentment, etc. do far more harm than looking for peace. I think that affects the kids to whether she will admit it or not. If my current actions are bothering her, she has not let me know that and I cannot show her how much I care and how much it matters to me that she not be stressed and exhausted as long as she chooses to shut me out. But I won't be manipulated or pushed around either. She's trying the path of force right now and I think she'll find that's far more exhausting than the path of peace. She has a right to choose that though and I have to be drug along for the ride.
   
   
6. Anonymous suggests that Tara needs to free herself from guilt.
   
   Response: I would assert that Tara hasn't allowed herself to feel guilt and she should. Not dwell in it or let her rule it. But there is no excuse for turning her back on her husband while he was sick. There's no excuse for dumping her step-children. Guilt properly experienced is simply our concious. Without it, we can kill and steal and be cold heartless people. We expect someone who has committed a crime to be remorseful and feel guilt about what they have done. I feel guilt daily about how I've hurt Tara. It's time for Tara to stop denying her guilt and face it and then do something about it. Guilt should not be a lasting thing. We should be forgiven and free from it. But denying it will not make it go away. It only hardens us and makes us more likely to do worse and worse things.
   
   
7. Anonymous suggests that she offers this advice to free me.
   
   Response: If you are suggesting that I should forget about children I love as my own, I'm sorry but you are barking up the wrong tree. That is the largest source of pain right now. And there is NOTHING that excuses Tara dumping her step-children. But Tara's motives can't be seen to protect her kids. When Tara's ex-husband and his fiance broke up, Tara offered her access to the kids. Her denying me access to the kids is nothing short of hate and anger and hostility that she harbors towards me. There are a lot of things I could talk about in detail here to try to hurt her or tear her down that I try to stay away from. If my words here hurt her, its perhaps because the truth hurts sometimes and not because I'm out to hurt her.
   
   
8. Ava suggests that if I care about the kids as much as I do I would not post the things I am posting.
   
   Response: I am taking that under consideration because I am reasonable. So far, I checked the FBI recommendations on children and online as well as several articles and find no such suggestions or warnings. I have found a few others that are recommending against. The advice is conflicting and I'm looking at it right now. I will update you if my position changes.
   
   But this goes to show that I'm not so unreasonable. Tara asked for me to remove details of her ex-husbands arrest as a child predator from the web and I did. Joni asked for me to remove information about her from the web and I did. To date, Tara hasn't asked any more from me. I can't assume what her wishes are. In fact, I don't believe that she's even reading this blog. I told her from the beginning when she was threatening me and demanding things that she would be amazed how reasonable I would be if she would treat me with a basic level of dignity and respect. She asked me to return some stuff and I did.
   
   
9. Karen suggests that cancer or diabetes is different then depression
   
   Response: Of course it is. According to the information I've been reading, depression has a very high success rate in treatment which cannot be said for the above. According to the things I've been reading, depression is an illness, not a choice. But one thing is certain, dumping a marriage because of the stress caused by dealing with a spouse in sickness is the same no matter what the sickness is.
   
   
10. Karen suggests that Tara was doing me a big favor.
    
    Response: You only need to read this blog to understand my pain.
    
    
11. Karen suggests that Tara is not a horrible step-mom for talking to the kids at church
    
    Response: I never said that Tara hated them. I said that Tara dumped them and doesn't care about them and this changed my view of her as a person. Tara went 6 weeks without asking how they were doing. When we did get to church, Tara did not take the time to say hi to them. Instead she sat and my kids had to ask me if it was okay to go tell her hi. Tara was cordial to them. And I express my appreciation to her for that in a letter and also here on this blog. Tara has not once since then asked me how they are doing (I asked her almost daily her how her children were doing and when I stopped contacting her, I've been posting here how frequently I wonder how they are doing and miss them).
    
    But Tara also offered my kids the opportunity to talk to hers and to play star wars with them. Tara has since refused to allow that to happen. My children called and left a message and Tara has refused to return that call.
    
    
12. Karen suggested that Tara should be cautious about reconciling.
    
    Response: I absolutely agree. In fact I don't recommend Tara to reconcile at this time. If she called me and asked to reconcile, I hope that I'd have the strength to tell her that maybe sometime in the future but not today, not without extensive counseling and time to get to know each other again and until I'm sure I'm over my depression and until I'm sure she has a real commitment and isn't marrying me just to pay her bills.
    
    I do however want to start EARNING her friendship. I don't expect her to give it freely. I don't expect her to wake up tomorrow and want to go to lunch with me. I do think it is reasonable for me to simply be able to call and ask if she found a job or how her kids are doing or if she needs anything.
    
    
13. Anonymous suggests that silence speaks volumes.
    
    Response: I have to agree. Tara dumped her step-children and is completely silent about it. I think that speaks volumes about her. But I still have hopes that its just a mistake she is making and that Tara can redeem herself and show she isn't the person that her silence speaks about her.
    
    
14. Anonymous suggests that children mimick their parents.
    
    Response: You are absolutely right. They will learn to take the easy way out. They will learn to give up. They will learn to shut out the people who care for them. They will learn to not value their family and friends. They will learn to not trust others for fear of the rejection they are no doubt feeling right now. They will learn that marriage commitments mean nothing. They will learn to turn their backs on those who are sick, especially if its a spouse and will cause them any hardships. They will learn that marriages can be thrown out like bathwater. They will learn that harboring hostility and anger should win out reason, intellect and peace. I could probably write 3 more pages about what they will learn by the only example they have now. And I don't say that to be mean, its just the cold hard truth.
    

I apologize to anyone if this post seems too strong, but its time for me to move on from that discussion. I have said my piece about it. You may attack me as you want in the comments.

I do however ask this. Please realize that I am not here to attack Tara. This blog was to focus on my emotions and the physical events surrounding my divorce. I still think Tara is a better person than she is showing herself to be. I still think there is hope for her. I would love nothing more than to be able to come here and tell you how great she is and how her actions prove that.

But today, her actions and silences speak far louder than words ever could.

I told Tara before I got married that I believe people can and do change. I hold out hope (and prayer) that Tara will. Not that she will change into what I want her to be. But that she will realize how much she is hurting my children and me and will seek a course and journey that finds some middle ground and establishes peace for all involved. I never asked her to take me back and I don't intend to at this point.

And Tara, if by any chance you are reading this, my request is simple. I don't ask you to forget what I've done. I don't ask you to pretend I didn't do it. I don't ask you to commit to anything to me at this point. I just ask you to give me a chance to show you that I'm sincere. Let's take it one day at a time. And the first step is to stop fighting and start working towards peace. The only step I can take is prayer for your healing (and mine) and for peace. Because you have been so outspoken that you don't want to talk to me, I choose to respect that and I will wait until you are ready to contact me. Understand that what I say here is part of my healing and not meant to hurt you or do any harm. When I have somewhere else to say it, I'll go there. Until then, this is the outlet I have.

Thanks for the Comments

There have been some very deep comments exchanged to a few of my recent posts and on another blog site. I want to thank everyone for your comments, both those who are supportive and who have been encouraging me and to those who have been critical of some of my actions here. I really appreciate all of the feedback. My goal is to improve myself and that means sometimes I have to hear things I don't want to hear. I want you to know that I seriously think about and consider every comment made to me, especially the critical ones. I'm seeking answers for myself and answers as to how I can move my divorce towards peace.

Some of you have suggested reasons why Tara might be upset or how she might be feeling or why she might not talk to me. I really appreciate that. It gives me other perspectives to consider. The sad reality however is that I won't truly know how Tara is feeling or if those apply to my situtaion because she won't tell me. I won't know what she expects or what I'm doing that is making her unhappy because she won't tell me that either. In fact, when I was being thrown out, I stood in her presence, in tears asking her to tell me the things that I had done wrong. I told her that even if she didn't want to work things out that it would be helpful to me in fixing myself if I truly knew. I never got an answer to that question.

When Tara decided I had to leave and after she had me removed from her home, I asked her to communicate with me and she refused. I figured her refusal to talk with me was because she thought I would try to talk her into taking me back and so I assured her repeatedly that I would not beg her to take me back and reminded her that if I did she would be able to immediately end those communications. Tara refused that as well.

I asked Tara to return to the counselor with me as she was demanding that I leave and she refused. I've asked her at least a dozen times since to go the counselor with me and she has refused. In fact, I made clear to her that we did not have to go there for the purpose of reconciling but that I thought it would be helpful to her to vent and would help us separate peacefully and ensure minimal impact to the children. She refused that too.

Someone has suggested how Tara might be feeling and that gave me a lot to think about. I want to respond to it and I already mentioned that I was planning a series called "Commenting on the Comments" but I was not at that time ready to start it. This dialogue today has sort of nudged me to do that next. Before I begin however, I need to do a little research on depression and will post the results of my findings here for every one's benefit.

The truth is I wish Tara and I could communicate via e-mail about topics like these as easily as I can communicate with each of you here following my story. Its been very helpful to me to receive criticism because now I know that I'm more successful at not reacting negatively (this really did a lot of harm after the separation). I thought e-mail would be a non threatening manner to carry such a discussion, but I am at a loss for how to get that going. If that day were to come, she would have to initiate it because she made known she didn't want me contacting her and even though I could legally send her a letter, I want her to know that I am trying to respect her wishes. I think such a communication would be helpful to both of us and ultimately to our children. But I have to admit, I'm not real hopeful that will ever happen.

For those of you who are believers, I could use your prayers as well (and I'm sure Tara could as well). I struggle back and forth so much. One day I'm glad to be moving on. The next day I'm completely crippled missing my dear wife and her children again. I know God's design for marriage is not divorce. I know God's design for me is not depression (and thanks to Him that I've made so much progress, but I still have a ways to go). I know God is a healer and can take away the pain that I have inflicted on Tara. More importantly, I know that God can circumcise my heart and remove those things from me which allow me to act selfishly and inflict that pain. And daily I surrender my heart in hopes of it being further circumcised. Everything rests in His hands now and I am learning more and more to trust Him each day.

Well, I continue to be amazed at how many people are following my story (over 300 people stopped by yesterday) and I appreciate all of the e-mails and comments I have been receiving. Thanks to everyone and I hope you will check back soon to see the results of my research on depression.

From My Dear Friend From Work

After reading through the comments to the post on January 8, 2007, my dear friend at work wanted to offer some words to my readers:

To everyone here, I happen to know both Tara and the author or this blog, as I worked with both of them. I have a very close friendship with "Some Guy" and though my interactions with Tara were very seldom; I have to say that both of them were highly respected at our place of work, as they both are wonderful people.

I really feel my very dear friend “Some Guy” is currently going through a roller coaster of emotions that are very normal to someone undergoing the process of separation, in which you range from anger to sadness; from missing to hating and vice versa; which if you’ve read the entire journey becomes very obvious as you go through the different posts.

I have to say that I am proud beyond words of the way he is handling the situation, because as sad as it is for him, he is really trying to push himself forward and move on.

About him I have to say that he is a great guy; a loyal friend; a loving and caring father who is as proud as one can be of his 3 precious kids and very much (and sincerely) loves and cares for Tara’s kids as if they were his own. He is also a brilliant guy (not just smart) and very well liked amongst employees due to his very kind personality.

I understand exactly what he is going through and perfectly understand his anger and his sadness as they flow.

However, I was quite disturbed to read what some readers are posting about what they think Tara is thinking and how those comments spark the anger of other readers; the reason I find this disturbing is because Tara is a wonderful lady, who has two beautiful kids – as you can see on the pictures- and does not deserve to be portrayed as the selfish person who is capable of dumping her depressed husband on his own in the middle of a crisis; I saw them when they were just dating, they seemed so happy.

I remember when he told me he had proposed, I immediately jumped off my chair and went to Tara’s desk to see her ring, she looked at me and in a rather shy way, extended her hand to me to show me her ring with this huge, beautiful smile that brighten up her entire face. I was really excited for them!

When he came back to work everyone was stunned to know that they were no longer together, and as usual in any work place, gossip around the reasons for the split began to surface. To this day, he has not shared with anyone but me the reasons for the split or who did/said what to who; as a matter of fact, he normally addresses all inquiries with a polite, “it was my fault, but I prefer not to discuss it, if you don’t mind”; he does not share anything else, as he is not quite sure himself of the reason why he was asked to leave and he does not want anyone to vilify Tara.

I don’t know what Tara is going through or what she is thinking, but a divorce is always painful in both sides and, as in love as they once seemed to be and as highly regarded both of them are, I have to say that I honestly do not think she would be capable of such a despicable and selfish act as it is to kick her husband out just because she doesn’t want to deal with his depression for her own sake.

As emotional as these times are for all parties involved, I would challenge each of the readers to please refrain from making hateful accusations towards either one of them.

To both of you Tara and my dear friend ‘Some Guy” I wish you the best!

Thanks, I really appreciated you sending this to me and asking me to post it for my readers.

Sick Kid

I got up this morning and began preparing for church when my youngest son Timothy became ill. We ended up not making it to church this morning as a result. I missed seeing my brother in law and his baby though.

This morning while I spent time reading my daily devotionals, I realized that perhaps I was enjoying and partaking in my new found freedoms too much. In the past couple of weeks, I've gone out on several occasions with friends, coworkers and for poker games. None of these occasions did I become drunk, but I think it would be better for my testimony if I simply didn't drink at all. So I'm resolved today that next time I go out with friends or out for dinner with my female friend or to a poker game, I'll simply say "No Thanks" and order a water.

My diet is going very well. I own 3 belts, two work belts and one dress belt. They are each three consecutive sizes. I can no longer use the largest belt because when it is fastened to its tightest, I can pull it 2 - 3 inches away from my body (has plenty of slack in it). The second work belt is being worn on its last/tightest notch and is already getting to be loose. The dress belt is being worn on the 2nd to last notch (which is an improvement of 2 notches from before). It won't be long before I have to go buy a new smaller belt. I'm going to try to hold out on buying new clothes for as long as I can because I anticipate losing a lot more and will probably have to buy clothes several times along the way.

I spent the weekend working on business ideas. I'm ready to get started on several projects but am once again stumped on a name for the business. It is really ashamed that my wife is choosing to hold the business I formed 1 - 2 weeks before we separated hostage. It has a name and brand that I would love to use but Tara has refused to work towards a peaceful settlement on our property division and so I can't risk putting time and effort into a business that she could tear apart later in a bitter divorce.

Well, I just want to reiterate again how much I appreciate the comments and e-mails and support that everyone has shown. Today is already a record day. It's around 1 PM and we're already at over 100 different people visiting the site today. If you're stopping by, please browse around and leave some comments and let me know what you think. I welcome everything, the good, the bad and the ugly (just keep it PG). If you have a site or blog, consider adding a link to this blog and then click my profile and e-mail me and let me know you added a link. I'll return the favor.

I have a busy day planned. I will be writing for some other blogs and running errands for a bit. It's great to be alive again and following my dreams.

Celebration, Over The Hill, Chistmas Gifts and Poker

It was great last night to get out. I really enjoyed getting my mind off of things for a while. I had a few drinks and relaxed and just sort of soaked in my new found freedom. I spoke for a bit with my female friend from work. She has really shown me that I deserve more and better in life than what Tara could have ever given me. I guess I always knew this down inside, but was blinded by love and didn't want to believe it before. I had resigned myself to giving up my dreams to make my wife happy and that was such a poor thing for me to do. I should have respected myself first and foremost regardless of Tara's inability to dream or to be loved.

Today was an interesting day. My family always makes huge productions out of 30th, 40th and 50th birthdays. We throw huge over the hill parties and are always trying to get one up on each other. My brother's 30th birthday was in November 2006. I'm not sure why it took all the way until January 2007 to throw his party, but my family chose to do that today. He was told it was a birthday party for our cousin (who is celebrating her birthday next week) and when he showed up, he was surprised that he was being ambushed for his 30th birthday.

Some of the family members reminded me that they had gifts for my step children. I told them that Tara had not even allowed me to give my gifts to them and that I have not contacted or even attempted to communicate with Tara since I received her petition for the protective order on December 15th. Even though I won in court and her case was dismissed and I could attempt to contact her, I have not attempted to contact my wife since that time. My children keep asking to call but the last time they called (before December 15th), they left a voice message and Tara has not returned that call.

Tonight, I was invited to and played another poker game. This is only the second live poker game that I've played and I finished in 2nd place. I played well but was able to see my weaknesses again and know that I'll need a fair bit of work to improve my offline/live poker game. I really enjoyed playing again and was happy to see that I again out played several people who are regulars to these games and who are considered to be good at the game.

Well, I'm off to write for my other blogs for a bit before I go to bed.